


i don't wanna be blue anymore

by chrisevansisanassman



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisevansisanassman/pseuds/chrisevansisanassman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky and Steve had been inseparable friends since childhood. After a falling out in middle school, though, Steve had hated Bucky and Bucky has been trying to find redemption ever since. It's not until they are forced to work together on a class project that they reconnect and make up for lost time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I hope you enjoy this. I have quite a bit already written and will be updating weekly. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Title creds to Marina and the Diamonds.

Steve was sitting in the shade under the old willow tree, popping carrot sticks into his mouth as he lazily drew in his sketchbook. That’s what he usually did at lunch. He didn’t mind the dirt, but he did have to stay focused to make sure that ants didn’t get into his food.

The sun peaked through the leaves of the tree, and light shone on Steve’s face. He looked healthy, which gave Bucky peace of mind. It was really a beautiful sight.

“Bucky!” Brock exclaimed, throwing a grape at him to get his attention. “Why’re you so spaced out today, man?”

He redirected his eyes to the people sitting at the table around him, his friends. While he did somewhat enjoy their lunch conversations, Bucky couldn’t help but watch Steve, who sat about fifteen feet away from their table.

Bucky just offered a grin and shrugged, “Sorry, just haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately. This fucking school thing is killing me.”

They all laughed in agreement, then they all started to recount some of the ‘epic’ stories that they had collected over that summer.

“I’m telling you, man, I almost had her!” Brock exclaimed, in reference to his summer goal of banging Natasha Romanoff. It started as a gross joke that then progressed to a dare that then progressed to his new life mission. Of course, Natasha was a fiery junior who was smart enough to be repulsed by Brock. “I totally would have tapped that by now, you know, if she wasn’t such a fucking bitch.”

Tony scoffed. “You know damn well that she could literally destroy you with her bare hands. I’d be more careful about what I said about her, if I was you.”

Bucky laughed, always enjoying Tony’s commentary.

If he had to be honest, which he only ever was with himself, he hated most of his friends.

Brock Rumlow was the biggest asshole in the world, for starters. He pissed off everyone and anyone he talked to, and he never knew when to shut up. His family was beyond rich, at least in comparison to most of the kids at the school, and he thought that he owned everything just because of it. On top of that, he was blatantly offensive to nearly everyone.

Alex Pierce, Brock’s mindless crony, also got on Bucky’s nerves consistently. He wasn’t _as bad_ as Brock, but he was still a dick. The worst thing about Alex was his manipulation skills, and Bucky had been around him long enough to really see how fake he was. He lied his way out of everything and knew just what strings to pull.

Finally, there was Tony Stark. He was nowhere near as awful as the other two, and Bucky thanked God constantly that he was there. Tony was rich, too, but he never saw it as a reason to be condescending like the others did. He was also one of the smartest kids in school, and he didn’t necessarily mind telling you about it. Tony may act like a douchebag sometimes, but that was mainly an act he put on, and he really was a good guy at heart.

Tony could barely stand Brock and Alex, either. Because of this, Bucky could never quite figure out why he stuck around. He’d be fine if he left the group. Sure, Brock wouldn’t respond well to it, and he would probably try and torment him right until graduation. Brock and Alex may have been the two most popular kids at the school, but Tony had plenty of friends on his own.

He had tried many times to broach the subject with Tony, but he would always brush him off with some joke. Bucky decided in the end not to question his good luck.

The boys continued to discuss Brock’s many failed attempts at courting Natasha until the end of the lunch period. Bucky had a particularly good time laughing at that one time when Brock tried to slap her ass. She broke his wrist before he could do it.

 

***

 

Bucky was still getting used to his new classes. It was really important that he did well, considering it was senior year. And, well, he hadn’t exactly done too great in his first three years of high school. He was just a little distracted.

English class seemed promising, but mainly because Steve Rogers, thanks to the teachers’ seating arrangement, sat right in front of him. Unfortunately, also because of the seating arrangement, Brock sat right next to him. He had to listen to his dickish commentary throughout this period, too.

Brock also enjoyed Steve being right in front of them, but for very different reasons.

“Hey, Rogers,” he said with a whistle.

Bucky’s chest began to feel heavy with anxiety.

Steve turned around in his chair, glaring at Brock.

He was  doing that thing where he acted all tough, despite his miniscule and frail body. He had guts, though, which Bucky always admired. He was a polite guy, but he knew that Brock was nothing but trouble after countless years of his torture. He hated bullies. He fought injustice of any kind, and that’s one of the many reasons why he ended up on Brock’s shit list.

“Have a good summer?” Brock asked, using a tone that indicated nothing but friendliness.

Steve stared at Brock, confused on how exactly to answer the question. Bucky could have sworn he saw his eyes shift to his, if only for a moment.

The tension made Bucky want to scream. Anything regarding Steve made him want to scream.  “C’mon, Brock,” he mumbled, “we gotta do the journal for the day.”

Brock unsurprisingly ignored him. “I saw you at Coney Island, I just didn’t get a chance to say hi.”

“Oh, really,” Steve replied, nodding his head slowly. He wasn’t afraid of a fight, but he couldn’t help but be intimidated by Brock’s sheer size and his many memories of being beat up by him. If he _could_ avoid a fight with him, then he would.

Brock grinned real hard, and Bucky knew that he was getting ready to be an asshole.

“I saw you there with your girlfriend. She was a total babe. I didn’t realize that you were into pussy now, Steve. We’re all real proud of you.”

Steve’s jaw locked tightly, and it was obvious that Brock had hit a nerve.

Bucky looked to Steve, worried and now confused as well. “What’re you talking about, man?”

He was trying to diffuse the tension, trying to get the attention away from Steve, as usual. Brock was on a mission, now, however, and it didn’t matter how hard he tried to distract him. Bucky was really wishing he had some of Steve’s courage about now.

Brock looked to Bucky. “Remember that girl we told you about, the new girl at the school? Fuck, she’s so hot. Hey, Stevie, me and Alex wanted to know what her bra size was. Do you know?”

Bucky fucking hated it when he called him Stevie.

“Her name is Peggy, and you’re being completely disrespectful!” Steve exclaimed. He _hated_ when boys made sexual remarks about girls like that.

Brock laughed, getting exactly the response from Steve that he wanted. “Oh, I’m so sorry to disrespect Peg like that,” he replied in a mocking tone. “Give your girlfriend my apologizes.”

“Dude,” Bucky snapped. “It’s not worth it. Just leave him alone.”

Suddenly, Brock stopped laughing, and shifted his gaze to Bucky. He just gave him his classic shit-eating grin.

“Aww, Buck, still trying to stand up for Rogers?”

“No, man,” Bucky replied, trying to play it cool for one goddamn second. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him, though, and that killed him. “It’s just, you shouldn’t pick on someone who’s a fourth your size. It’s like fucking animal cruelty.”

That, as planned, made Brock chuckle, regardless of how bad Bucky felt for saying it.

“Shit, you’re right,” he muttered, looking back to Steve, smile still on his face. “Sorry, fag.”

Bucky inwardly winced at the use of the homophobic slur, one that he’d heard Brock throw around often. It just hurt so much more when it was used to target Steve. He knew better than to fight that, though.

Steve, however, always ready to fight assholes like Brock, was beginning to jump out of his seat when their teacher walked into the classroom.

“Rogers,” he snapped. “Please take a seat.”

He looked at Brock, then at Mr. Coulson. “Sorry, sir,”

Steve sat back in his seat while the teacher began class. Bucky tried to pay attention, but there was just a dull ringing in his head.

Steve looked back, glaring directly into Bucky’s eyes, as if he knew that he was watching him from behind. “It’s good to see that you’re still giving lessons on morality, Buck. You’ve always been such a gentleman to me.”

 There was obvious venom in his voice, and Bucky felt shame and guilt wash over him once more. All the things he had tried so hard to forget. Steve hadn’t talked to him in what felt like ages, and Bucky couldn’t even remember the last time they spoke when they weren’t fighting. He kept his eyes on the back of Steve’s head, and just praying that Brock forgot all about this little scuffle.

Brock and Steve had been enemies since middle school, when Brock’s family had first moved to Brooklyn. Steve was such a good guy that Brock couldn’t help but feel intimidated and annoyed by him, which therefore launched his lifelong mission of making his life a living hell. They got in fights all the time, over anything and everything. Brock had no trouble using Steve’s homosexuality against him, always using a gross slur to try and piss him off. When things got physical, people really did worry about Steve’s health.

Bucky was always worried about Steve.

After every fight that Bucky watches Brock pick with Steve, he always felt like shit afterwards. He just sat there and regretted how little he had done to stop Brock from tormenting the smaller boy.

_Why did you let him say that to him? Why didn’t you fucking stop him? You’re bigger than Steve; you’re the one who should be taking his punches._

“Dude,” Brock said as he pushed him slightly, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Were you even listening?”

Bucky looked around, realizing that he had, in fact, not been listening.

“Fuck, you’re supposed to be the smart one. You’re supposed to be listening to this shit, not me.”

“Uh, sorry,” Bucky mumbled. “What’s going on?”

He rolled his eyes. “We’ve got some need book shit to do, I don’t know. He’s gonna assign us with partners to do some assignment.”

Bucky’s heart skipped a beat. Or at least he thought it did.

“He’s picking the partners?”

“Yeah, I hope I get Sharon,” he mumbled as he ripped apart his eraser. “She’s pretty hot.”

Bucky, ignoring his friend, couldn’t help but look to Steve. He was doodling in the margins of his notebook, calmly oblivious to the world.

 _No,_ Bucky told himself. _You do not want to be his partner. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen._

The teacher began to call out pairs of names, and Bucky was filled with anxiety.

“Rumlow and Parker,” He called out.

“He’s smart, right?” Brock asked.

Bucky looked over to Peter, who looked disappointed in his partner, to say the least.

After a few more names, he said it. “Barnes and Banner.”

Bucky’s heart dropped. He knew he should be glad that he didn’t get Steve, but he was still upset about it.

“Rogers and Wilson,” Bucky had later heard the teacher call out.

Sam was a good guy, one who didn’t put up with Rumlow’s shit, either. He also didn’t bully kids like Steve. Bucky was glad that they were paired together. They used to be friends, actually, at the beginning of freshman year when Sam had first transferred to the school. Quickly, however, he grew tired of Brock, and they didn’t get to see each other much after they had a pretty bad fight.

Students began moving around the classroom to find their assigned partner, and Bucky watched Bruce make his way to the desk beside him.

“Hey,” he said as he sat down. “It’s good to see you again, Bucky.”

He smiled back, happy, in the end, with his partner. “Yeah, totally, man. How was your summer?”

Bruce shrugged. “It was good, I got to work as an intern in a science facility in the city.”

“Wow,” Bucky said, impressed. “That’s amazing. Believable, though; you were always so good in science and math.”

Bruce smiled. “Thanks. What about you?”

Damn. Bucky didn’t even know how to answer that question. It was hard to really remember what he did with his summer. He certainly didn’t spend it working at a science facility, that’s for sure. It was mainly a lot of time alone in his apartment. Or else he was at some “killer” party that Brock and Alex had dragged him to, which were usually not that great, but supplied alcohol and weed that at least made it _bearable_.

“It was good,” Bucky shrugged, realizing that he didn’t really know how to socialize with  Bruce. “It’s been awhile since we’ve talked, you know?”

Bruce nodded, looking down shyly. “Sorry about that,” he answered in a low voice. “I just can’t stand Rumlow; he makes me so mad. I mean…why do you even hang out with anymore? You’re ten times what he is.”

Bucky was astonished, and he didn’t know what to say. His mouth just hung open lamely, and he stared down, in what must have been shame.

“All that stuff that happened back then… I don’t think he really cares anymore. Why don’t you just try and apologize? Is it a pride thing?”

“It doesn’t even matter,” Bucky interrupted, knowing exactly who Bruce was talking about. It seemed that everyone in the school knew about Steve and Bucky’s drama.“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

By then, the teacher had began to explain their assignment and passed out the pieces of text that they were supposed to read and then analyze.

“You’ll find that I am a big supporter of group work,” Mr. Coulson admitted. “I believe that it’s very important for you to learn how to work as a team. You all have different skills that need to be utilized collectively to accomplish tasks. The partner that you’re with now is only for today, but tomorrow I will be assigning new partners for a project that will extend through the entire semester.”

 _Fuck, man. Don’t think about him._ Bucky thought to himself. _You’re not gonna get him, so don’t even think about it._

Of course, Bucky had to look over to Steve. They were reading their passage, and Steve was laughing at jokes that Sam must’ve been making. It was cute. Bucky didn’t see him laughing much anymore.

“Do you want to read this, or are you too preoccupied with _him_?” Bruce asked, pulling Bucky out of his joy of watching Steve.

“Is it obvious?” The question slipped out of Bucky’s mouth, and he instantly regretted saying it.

Bruce raised his eyebrows and offered a smirk. “No, not to someone as dense as Brock. Don’t forget that I’m a genius.”

They had finished their assignment, and Bucky realized how much he enjoyed talking to Bruce. He missed being his friend. It was clear that Bruce felt the same way.

“You know,” he began slowly, looking Bucky in the eyes. “You don’t have to only hang out with those jerks. You should stop by one of my parties sometime.”

Bucky laughed. “ _You_ throw parties?”

“Well, they’re incredibly lame parties; not the kind of parties you’re used to. Mostly just Risk and Trivial Pursuit and Twizzlers.”

“I should warn you: I’m amazing at Risk.”

Bruce chuckled. “Well, you better be, because Tony usually wins.”

It didn’t surprise him that Tony hung out with Banner and his other friends. He was extremely popular, especially among the smarter kids in school. “Tony goes?”

“Yeah. Honestly, I think he only hangs out with Rumlow and Pierce just so you’re not alone. I mean, he’d never admit to it, of course.”

Bucky had considered it once or twice. Before he could respond, the bell rang, and the class period was over.

“By the way,” Bruce said with a grin as he packed his notebook into his bag. “Steve comes to the parties, too.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we have some more interactions between Steve and Bucky and a little bit more teasing about what happened between Steve and Bucky in middle school. Thanks for reading :)

“Hey, kiddos,” Mrs. Barnes said excitedly when Bucky got home, still holding the hand of his little sister, Becca. She loved walking home with him, holding his hand tightly, even when they weren’t crossing the road. “How was your day?”

He smiled back at his mother, happy to see her. They were extremely close, and he wasn’t sure how he’d be able to handle everything without her. “It was fine,”

“Did you learn anything new?”

Bucky grinned. “Yeah, I learned that Stephanie and Ryan are totally breaking up soon, ‘cause Steph heard that Ryan is sleeping with Maria.”

His mother gave a sarcastic grin. “Very funny, kiddo.”

“I learned that that Earth is constantly moving!” Becca exclaimed excitedly, the youthful joy of a fourth grader still evident.

“You didn’t know that already, Becca?” Bucky teased. “That’s why you’re always falling down.”

“I thought you said that was just because I was clumsy?”

Bucky shrugged with a giggle. “Ya got me there. I guess it’s a little bit of both.”

Becca sat on the ground by the coffee table, ready to do her homework. Bucky wished he had the same enthusiasm and ambition as she did. Then again, she wasn’t in calculus. 

He went over to the sofa where Mrs. Barnes was sitting and hugged her, placing a kiss on her cheek. “How was your day?”

“Oh, the usual. Mrs. Rogers stopped by with a lovely apple pie; you should try some.”

“Since when did you guys give each other baked goods?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. She said that she made it before she remembered that apples have been giving Steve a slightly allergic reaction lately. Oh, goodness, you know how frail that poor boy is.”

Bucky stopped at the mention of Steve. He just offered a small smile and nodded. He moved quickly to change the subject, even though he knew that his mother didn’t ask about Steve anymore. She used to obsessively worry about the things Bucky didn’t tell her about him, but now she just accepts that it’s a sore subject.

“I was talking to Steve the other day,” Becca began, “and he told me that chocolate milk didn’t come from brown cows, and that you had made that up, Buck. Is that true?”

“Well, maybe I, uh, stretched the truth,” 

She nodded knowingly. “He said you lie about a lot of things.”

Deciding to ignore that, he began eating a piece of pie (Mrs. Rogers had certainly not lost her amazing baking skills). Steve, of course, was unbelievably nice to Becca. She practically viewed him as another older brother. 

While he ate, his mother told him about the crazy cat lady, Ms. Mullins, one floor up who accidentally let a cat loose. Then she showed him some ‘funny posts’ from her Facebook feed, which were never funny, but Bucky still pretended to enjoy them anyways.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. He knew it was probably Rumlow asking for answers to the math homework, or asking him to come hang out with him and do some stupid shit. Nothing he really wanted to do, of course.

“Oh, by the way, honey, can you take this trash out? I meant to today, but my feet hurt from the eight hour shift, you know?”

Bucky nodded, setting his plate in the sink. “Of course, I’ll be right back.”

After grabbing the trash bag, he opened the apartment door and instantly heard the giggle of a girl outside. A few doors over, Steve Rogers was kneeling on the hallway floor of the apartment complex, petting a kitten. A girl was standing next to him, happily getting a photo with her phone.

_ Shit. _

They ended up bumping into each other every now and then, considering they lived on the same floor. That used to be the coolest thing to them when they were kids, always seeing each other just because they were so close. Now it was just a burden.

Steve looked over his shoulder, his smile falling as he met eyes with Bucky.

“Is this your cat?” The girl asked, looking to him with a friendly smile.

Bucky tore his eyes away from Steve to face the beautiful girl in the hallway. “Um, no,” he mumbled, clearing his throat awkwardly. “I think it belongs to Ms. Mullins upstairs.”

He turned around and continued walking to the elevator with the trash bag. Before, he left, he heard the girl say, “Do you know him?”

 

***

“Alright, alright,” Mr. Coulson called, trying to regain the attention of his class. “It’s time to talk about the big project of this semester. A majority of your grade relies on this, so you really need to listen.”

Bucky looked up, thinking about the new  _ partnered  _ project.

“You’re going to be reading a novel that I assign each group. Along the way, you’ll be completing a series of tasks that are unique for each book. Your packet will tell you all you need to know about each task, but I’m always free to answer questions. Now, I have already picked your partners, and I really don’t want any complaints. Whoever you get is  _ final _ .”

He began calling names and handing out books and packets. Bucky just waited impatiently, dying to find out who he was partnered with.

“Barnes and Rogers,”

His heart swelled in his chest.

“Aww, tough luck, Buck,” Brock said, loud enough that Steve could hear from in front of him. “It’ll be just like old times, though.”

He  _ knew  _ not to say things like that. “Shut the fuck up,” Bucky muttered at him.

He was supposed to move to sit next to his partner. Bucky didn’t know if he could move, though. Steve turned around, looking down at first. Then, he raised his eyes to meet Bucky’s, and he was reminded of the beauty of Steve Rogers’ eyelashes.

Bucky couldn’t help but smile, feeling the tension of the earlier events fade away. He was nervous as hell, but Steve looking at him made things feel better.

Steve didn’t smile back. “Hey, Bucky,” he mumbled. +

“Here, boys,” Mr. Coulson interrupted, handing them copies of their assigned book and work packets. “You’ll be reading The Kite Runner. Trust me, it’s a great novel.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Steve answered politely. 

Brock slapped Bucky on the shoulder as he stood up to find his own partner. “Take care of my pal,” he told Steve, giving a gross wink and chuckle before leaving.

“Sorry about him,” Bucky said, finally able to speak.  

Steve just… smiled? “You two really deserve each other, you know.”

_ Fuck. _

“Steve, I’m sorry,”

“Don’t.” 

Steve began to flip through the assignment pages with a locked jaw. He looked as pained as Bucky felt. He had seen that face many times before. It was that face that he saw when he was feeling particularly depressed and guilty, staring out his little window over his bed, watching cars travel through Brooklyn. 

Bucky was too upset to say anything else, and it was Steve who broke the silence. “Would you look at that. Our book is a ‘timeless story of redemption’.”

He closed his eyes, almost wanting to laugh at the ridiculous irony of the situation.

“Redemption is a funny thing, you know,” Steve continued. “Do you know what that word means.”

“Yes,” Bucky spat angrily. 

“That’s news to me.”

There was more painful silence. Bucky just picked at the side of his book, not sure what to say next.

“Did you return the cat to Ms. Mullins?”

Steve looked up at Bucky. “Yes.”

Bucky smiled, even though he felt like shit. It was a cute thought, though, imagining Steve carrying the kitten to its owner, like some lame but adorable superhero.

“Listen,” Steve began. “I know we have our problems, so let’s just focus on the book, alright? We both need to do well.”

“Who was the girl?” Bucky asked suddenly.

Steve, now looking angrier than before, let out an exasperated sigh. He elected to ignore the question and keep reading the worksheets.

“Wait, was that Peggy?”

Again, Steve gave no response. 

Bucky knew, though, that it must have been. 

“I mean, I know you don’t hang out with a lot of ladies,” Bucky began.

Steve quickly interrupted, “You know, I don’t hang out around a lot of anyone, these days.”

That shut Bucky up quickly. 

The bell rang, and Steve practically jumped out of his seat, which only made Bucky feel more like shit.

“See ya,” he mumbled to him, desperation in his voice.

Steve didn’t respond.

It wasn’t until just before last period, when Bucky was walking to his locker, that he bumped into the girl that he had seen with Steve just the other day. He literally bumped into her, their shoulders crashing slightly, knocking her geometry book out of her hands.

Bucky figured she must have been a year younger.

“I’m so sorry,” he said quickly, leaning over to pick up her fallen items. “I’m Bucky.”

She gave him what could only be described as a glare. “I’ve heard.”

He stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say next. “Was, uh, it Steve who told you about me?”

She held her upset look as she ignored him and walked away.

***

 

“He makes me so mad!” Steve yelled as he looked through all the shelves of records.

Peggy was startled by her friend's sudden outburst. “Who?”

“Bucky Barnes,” Steve answered, quieting himself, so as to not disturb the only other person there, the shop manager. 

“The boy you told me about yesterday?” She said, giving a chuckle. “That reminds me! He totally bumped into me in the hallway today at school, and I just glared at him. He was terrified, Steve. It was really funny; I wish you were there to see the look on his face.”

The two had been acquainted that summer when Steve was taking a walk around Brooklyn, looking for some drawing inspiration and enjoying the weather. A stranger was hassling Steve, and Peggy, who happened to be walking by, helped scare him off. They began talking, and it turned out that she was new to the area and planned on attending the same high school as Steve. They became friends quite quickly after that.

Yesterday, after running into Bucky in the hallway of their apartment complex, Steve had decided it was time to tell Peggy about the…  _ incident _ . Now she just wanted to scare Bucky. In support of Steve, of course.

Steve laughed at her story, though. After years of being alone, it was nice to finally have someone on his side. 

“What did he do today to make you so mad?”

“Well, in English we have a new project that’s gonna last the whole semester, and I got assigned to be Bucky’s partner.”

Peggy looked to him with her wide eyes. “Is that all?”

Steve just shrugged, visibly upset. “I hate being around him. He’s become so fake, I don’t even remember who he used to be.”

“All of this has caused you a lot of pain, it seems,” she murmured. “Why not try and really talk to him about it. It sounds like he’s trying to apologize.”

“No. I don’t trust him anymore. Those… jerks have ruined him, Peggy.”

“Steve,” she said quietly. “You have to have faith that he can still change back, for the better. He really doesn't seem like that bad of a guy.”

“Yeah, well,” Steve muttered, “he didn’t really ruin  _ your  _ life.”

“Don’t you think that you’re being a little dramatic?”

Steve gave her a dirty look. “You have no idea the emotional damage he inflicted upon me.”

Peggy just rolled her eyes slightly. “I know, I know, but I really think that you ought to give him a second chance.”

“Why are you so adamant about this, anyways?”

Peggy had the idea in her head that Steve, deep down, past all the resentment and hurt, really missed Bucky. In the admittedly short time that she had been friends with him, she really learned a lot about him. She knew, regardless of how he feels about Bucky, that Steve was a stubborn. He was loyal, but once you betrayed that trust, it was not easy to regain.

She didn’t know how to tell him this, though. 

So instead, she put on a little grin. “I’m so adamant because of how handsome he is. I think you really need that kind of beauty back in your life.”

Steve correctly suspected that Peggy was covering up her real opinions with a joke. In the time that they had known each other, he had come to recognize her as a secretive and guarded person. He couldn’t blame her for that, either, because he, truth be told, was as well. 

“C’mon, Steve,” she said playfully. “You might hate him, but you have to admit that he’s a stud.”

Steve grimaced, suppressing a smile. “Please never call anyone a ‘stud’ ever again. Especially when you’re talking about Bucky Barnes.” 

They laughed together, and Steve remembered how strange it was talking about Bucky with someone else. Usually all of the conversations he had about him remained in his head, little daydreams he had when he was trying to understand everything. He never could understand it all, though.

They changed the subject, now discussing a certain band whose record that they had pulled out while browsing. Steve’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he figured it was his mother texting to ask when he would be home.

To his surprise, it was actually Tony Stark. During one of Bruce Banner’s nerd parties, they exchanged numbers. Steve had kind of taken it as a pity gesture, more of a nicety than anything else, really. It always had surprised him how genuinely nice Tony proved to be, once you got to know him better. Steve had only known him as the highly egotistical who commonly hung out with the trifecta of assholes: Brock, Alex, and Bucky.

Tony:  _ Did something happen today between you and Barnes in English class? _

Steve was slightly taken aback .

Steve:  _ Why do you ask? _

Tony:  _ He’s in a mood. And Brock is being an even bigger dick than usual, especially about you.  _

This didn’t surprise him.

Steve:  _ How do you mean? _

Tony:  _ I’m just recommending that you stay away from Rumlow for a while. Try n not get into fights with him, please? _

Steve:  _ Why do you care so much _

Tony:  _ I’m tired of watching Bucky try and protect you from Rumlow. It makes me sympathetic for you two, and you know how much I hate feeling emotions like that. _

Steve felt like he couldn’t breathe. He would be lying if he hadn’t considered that Bucky was trying to protect him, but he never really took it to heart. Call it pettiness, but Steve did whatever it took to view Bucky as the villain in his head. 

Steve:  _ You don’t have to worry about that. Bucky never protected me. Remember? _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your kudos/comments :)

It was lunchtime again, but instead of sitting outside in the sunny afternoon, everyone was cooped up in the cafeteria. Thanks to the horrendous storm that had covered Brooklyn that morning, they had no choice but to eat inside.

Bucky, upon realizing that he wasn’t going to be able to sit and watch Steve, was deeply upset by this. Instead, he was confined to looking at the wall, thanks to Brock’s brilliant choice of the corner table. On top of that, he was forced to listen to all his bullshit, as usual.

He wasn’t really listening, but he was pretty sure that Brock was rehashing some age-old tale of a successful sexual conquest. Bucky just knew that he literally could not stand to sit there for another minute.

“Shit, man,” Bucky suddenly interjected, “I just realized that I need to talk to, uh, Bruce about that assignment from the other day.”

It was a lie, but luckily for him, Brock and Alex were no fucking rocket scientists. They believed almost anything. Unfortunately, he hadn’t exactly planned anything out; he had no idea where Bruce was right now.

As long as he got to get away from that goddamned table.

He threw out his half-eaten lunch as he exited the cafeteria, happy to be away from all the noise and commotion. It was quiet out in the foyer, and he was actually pretty calm. 

Calmness wasn’t an easy thing to find these days. He was almost always on edge, thanks to Brock. Having to keep up the facade around those guys was really weighing on him, and looking after Steve didn’t help, either.

It was always a struggle for him, trying to balance his fake friendship with Brock and his true feelings for Steve. Outwardly, he had to seem blasé about Steve, as though he still hated him. Inwardly, he cared so much about that little punk, and he would do anything to save him from the bullies of this school.

Bucky was walking along the hallway, looking into the glass cases full of sports trophies to fill his time. About fifteen minutes had passed since he left the cafeteria, and it wasn’t until he got a text that his sense of calmness escaped him.

Tony:  _ Come to caf quick.  _

_ What the hell was that supposed to mean?  _ Bucky wondered, turning around and somewhat jogging back to the cafeteria. He wasn’t sure, but he had a bad feeling that Brock was involved in whatever was going on.

Through the glass windows that separated the cafeteria from the foyer, he saw a crowd huddled around the corner that his group had been sitting in. Bucky realized, now full of anger, that Brock probably started some petty fight with a freshman, or something.

He hurriedly pushed through the doors and then through the crowd of people around the table. Through the throng of people, he first saw Brock standing with his fists clutching the collar of the much smaller kids’ shirt in front of him.

Bucky’s face turned pale with horror as he realized that the smaller kid was Steve. Blood was covering his face, and Brock must’ve already socked him in the nose. It broke his heart to see Steve in pain.

After the shock hit him, he was just filled with sudden rage.

“What are you doing?” He yelled to Brock.

He turned around, a stupid fucking grin on his face. “Hey, Buck. Lil Stevie here was being a bitch, as usual. Ya wanna know what he called me? A ‘mindless bigot’! Sounds like some shit we read in Hamlet last year, doesn’t it?”

Brock must have seen the look on Bucky’s face and realized how worried he was for Steve. With a scoff, Brock asked, “Oh, seriously? You’re worried about the little queer?”

Bucky swallowed sharply. He had to look away from Steve, guilt rising up within him. All he truly wanted to do was attack Rumlow, break  _ his  _ fucking nose. It wouldn’t be hard for him, either. With all those years of bottled up rage, Bucky could definitely do some real damage.

He knew not to, though. Even if he just took Steve’s side now, Bucky’s well pieced together character would fall apart. In the long run, it would be better for Steve if he just stayed neutral and tried to distract Brock, stopping him for hitting Steve again. It was a painful compromise, one that Bucky was used to making. One that always hurt him. One that only drove the wedge between him and Steve further in.

“That doesn’t matter. Just back off before a teacher comes over and slams you with detention.”

Brock gave Bucky a long, silent look. If he was being honest, Bucky was a little scared in that moment for  _ himself.  _ With Steve’s blood on his knuckles and that crazy look in his eyes, Brock was horrifying. Bucky wondered if he knew, if he could look right through him and see his true motives.

“You’re right,” he finally declared, looking back to Steve who was still clutching his bleeding nose. “Sorry, kiddo. We’ll have to postpone this fight for later.”

“Name a time and place!” Steve sputtered, in pain but still angry. 

_ Typical.  _ Bucky thought to himself.

“Oh, really? You want more?”

“I can do this all day!”

Bucky had always admired Steve’s relentless courage, but in that situation, it was really pissing him off.

“Meet me in the alley behind the CVS, twelve o'clock tonight.”

_ Fuck. _

“I’ll see you there,” Steve replied, just as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.

He hobbled off, probably headed for the bathroom to clean up, and Bucky had to stop himself from following. It was like watching a hurt puppy.

“What the hell, man,” Bucky yelled at Brock. “That’s a horrible idea. You’re really gonna meet that…  _ asshole  _ in some dark alley of Brooklyn to fight in the middle of night? I mean, you’re gonna get your ass mugged on the way there.”

Brock just laughed. “Fuck, dude, calm down! I think I’ll be able to handle him and whoever tries to pick a fight with me. Brooklyn is my bitch.”

“It’s a horrible plan,” Bucky stated plainly.

“Yeah, I know, you already said that.” 

Brock grabbed his bag and was already walking out of the cafeteria (of course, leaving his trash on the table).

“Dude, wait,” 

He turned around, the same anger from before apparent in his voice. “Stop fucking nagging me, Barnes. You’re not my fucking mother. Now, do you wanna give Steve Rogers what he deserves, or do you wanna suck his dick?”

Bucky decided that it wasn’t a question he was supposed to answer, and just shut up, watching Brock leave the cafeteria. Before stepping out, he yelled, “I’m gonna be late to English. Give Coulson some bullshit excuse for me, alright?” 

Left alone in the big cafeteria, Bucky, once again, felt like screaming. Why was this all happening? Last year he was quite successful at keeping Brock away from Steve, but this year it seemed impossible.

Everything felt heavy in his chest and he made his way to English class, not ready to learn  _ anything _ . He prayed that today was going to be an in-class workday for their big assignments; he needed a chance to talk one-on-one with Steve to try and convince that stubborn bastard not to go to the fight tonight.

Bucky knew that Steve was smart. Unfortunately, he threw all sense out the window when it came to not running away from a fight. If Steve went tonight, he would get absolutely pummeled, and there would be no school nurses to patch him up.

Upon entering the classroom and reading the plan for the day, Bucky realized it was a test day, eliminating any hope for working with his partner. Steve, however, was already in his seat, holding a napkin from the cafeteria against his face. The heavy bleeding, it seemed, had stopped.

“Steve,” Bucky whispered, taking his seat behind him. “Are you alright?”

It seemed that anyone around them was too preoccupied with studying for the upcoming test. 

Steve gave out a gentle laugh from in front of him, eyes closed, looking straight ahead. “I’m sorry,” he muttered sarcastically. “Do you actually care if I’m okay? ‘Cause you clearly didn’t five minutes ago when you’re buddy was gripping me by my shirt collar.”

Guilt rushed through him again. “I’m sorry,” he hissed, sounding like a desperate loser, as usual.

Steve whipped his head around, looking straight at Bucky. “What’s your problem? What? You only care about me when no one’s looking?”

Bucky grimaced at his loud voice, looking around to make sure no one heard what they were saying.

Steve just scoffed, turning to face forward in his seat again. “Clearly I’m right,”

“Don’t go tonight.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Please, he’ll fucking kill you. You know that you don’t stand a chance.  _ Don’t go. _ ”

“If I don’t go, I’ll have already lost.”

Bucky sighed heavily, realizing it was a lost effort. By then, the teacher had walked in, starting class, and his short timeframe for talking to Steve was over.

 

***

 

“Listen, Becca, I think I’m going to need your help tonight.”

Bucky and Becca were walking hand in hand, headed back home to their apartment. The rain was still pouring down, and Bucky was carefully balancing their huge umbrella over both their heads.

“Why? Are you in trouble again, Buck?”

Truth be told, Bucky may have utilized his naive little sister once or twice to get what he wanted. Including nights where his mom was out and Bucky was supposed to be at home watching Becca but was actually out at some party. She never told on him when he came home wasted or stoned, either. She was great at keeping secrets.

“I think Steve might be in trouble, actually.”

Becca looked up with wide eyes and an open mouth. “What? Is he gonna be ok?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky answered truthfully.

“Well, why does he need my help.”

Bucky explained the situation, making her promise not to tell mom about any of this. He didn’t want his mother knowing that Bucky was still keeping close track of Steve’s affairs, and he definitely didn’t want her to know that he was using his little sister to try and keep him safe.

“I was thinking that maybe you could talk to him and try and convince him not to go. He’s already had such a soft spot for you, Becca. It wouldn’t hurt to maybe cry when asking him, either.”

He knew it was ridiculous, but he was grasping at any straws that he could reach at this point.

“You think he’ll listen to me?”

“I don’t know. I’m hoping that he will.”

She gripped his hand tighter. “Of course I’ll ask him. I don’t want anyone to hurt Steve.”

“Thanks, Becca. I really appreciate you doing this.”

She thought for a moment. “Why do you care about what happens to Steve? Doesn’t he hate you?”

Bucky suppressed a sad laugh. “It’s a long story.”

“Weren’t you guys friends when you were kids?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Mom and I were going through all these scrapbooks, and there were so many photos of you and Steve together. You were, like, my age.”

“What photos?” Bucky asked incredulously. He didn’t know that there were photos of them in the house.

“I’ll show you the book when we get home,” Becca promised.

Bucky wasn’t so sure that he wanted to look at it, though. 

They had finally gotten home, carefully taking off their wet sneakers at the door. Mrs. Barnes had left a note on the counter telling them that she was out running errands and wouldn’t be home until four thirty.

“Perfect,” Bucky mumbled. “You should go over and see Steve before then.”

“Alright, I’ll go now!” She exclaimed, heading to their mom’s room first.

Before Bucky could ask what she was doing in there, she had emerged out of the room, clutching a large book.

“Here it is,” she announced, handing it to him carefully.

Bucky realized that it must have been the scrapbook she had told him about.

“You can look through it while I’m gone,” she suggested before heading out the door.

Bucky just prayed that she could convince him not to go tonight. That’s all he wanted. Somewhere within him, he knew that the plan wasn’t going to work, but he had to at least try.

He set down the book, which was feeling extremely heavy in his hands, and decided to look through it. Bucky knew it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience, but he  _ had  _ to.

The first picture was them as infants, lying on a pastel yellow blanket together. The rug, visible in the corner of the photo, told him that it must have been taken at the Roger’s apartment. Bucky wondered if they still had that rug.

The pictures were in chronological order, and as Bucky flipped through the pages, he watched them both grow up slowly. It was them in little baby onesies, in little strollers, in silly Halloween costumes. Then it was there first day of preschool, the boys in matching outfits that their moms no doubt had excitedly coordinated. Then it was them at Boy Scouts on a wilderness expedition, sitting around a bonfire. Then it was them at Coney Island, sitting together on the Wonder Wheel. Then it was their last day of grade school and middle school, followed by their first day of high school. 

His heart clenched. That was where the stream of photos ended. 

Enough time had passed that Bucky was startled by the heavy knock on the door. He thought it was odd, considering Becca had a key that she always carried around with her.

He closed the book and headed to the door. He peaked through the peephole and spotted the top of someone’s head, just a tuft of blond hair. Bucky knew exactly whose hair that was.

Slowly, he opened the door. Steve instantly lunged forward, grabbing the collar of Bucky’s shirt angrily. It was almost funny; now Bucky was the one with a fist clutching his collar.

“What’s your fucking problem?” Steve spat viciously. It was odd. Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he heard him curse.

“Get off from me,” Bucky replied, pushing the smaller boy away. It didn’t exactly take a lot of effort. 

Steve was persistent, however. He moved closer again, their faces only inches apart.

“How dare you take advantage of your little sister like that? I can’t believe you told her about the fight. Why would you worry her like that? She’s just a kid, Bucky, and you used her!”

Bucky was speechless. Whether it was Steve’s yelling or just their unbelievably close proximity, he was absolutely dumbfounded. His eyes grazed over Steve’s lips. 

Steve noticed, pushing Bucky back instantly. “You need to leave me alone. I’m serious. It’s been years, Bucky. Whatever we had back then… it’s over. Let it go. And stop keeping tabs on me.”

“Steve, wait,”

He was cut short. “Just go crawling back to Rumlow.”

Bucky stopped breathing again.

“I guess that’s just what’s comfortable for you, Buck… being a thoughtless follower of that asshole.”

“It’s not like that,” Bucky mumbled, scared and desperate.

Steve turned around, walking towards the door. Before leaving he muttered, “I just hope Brock doesn’t find out that you’re one of those  _ fags  _ that he hates so much.”

 

***

“Where did you go?” Bucky asked once Becca finally came back. 

“Mrs Rogers and I were just working on her puzzle.” She had a brownie in her hand. “She wanted me to give you this.”

Bucky sighed, resting his face in his hands. “How did your talk with Steve go? I’m sorry I made you do that. I shouldn’t have. I was being selfish.”

“Don’t worry, Buck,” she said with a big smile. “It went great; he promised not to go to the fight!”

Bucky knew that he was going to go anyways. He was just lying to her to make her feel better. Lying to cover up Bucky’s mistakes, yet again.

He pretended to be relieved. “That’s great, Becca! You did it. Thanks, kiddo,” he gushed as he pulled her in for a hug.

On the inside, he was terrified.


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky was deep in thought the entire night, carefully thinking over what he should do. On one hand, he couldn’t let Brock beat the shit out of him in some dirty alley. On the other hand, he couldn’t openly defy Brock’s anti-Steve sentiment, thereby showing where his true allegiance lies.

It was a catch twenty-two, and he was running out of time.

He wished he could ask someone for help, for advice, but he didn’t know how. It would be a hell of a lot to explain. His main issue, in the end, was his fear of telling someone how he really felt about Steve. Sure, people like Bruce or Tony might be able to see through him and his false facade, but most everyone else couldn’t. They wouldn’t understand.

He pulled out his phone to find one missed text message.

Brock: _you coming tonight? I’ll be pissed if u dont_

 _Great. Another problem to deal with,_ Bucky thought.

Ignoring Brock’s text, Bucky moved on. He knew he had to text Tony.

Bucky: _What should I do about tonight? That little shit is going to go to the fight and get his ass whooped._

Tony: _You should let it happen. You can’t protect him from everything. I tried to tell him to back off, but as if he’d ever fuckn listen._

Bucky: _Are you serious? I’m just gonna let Brock break his face in half. I need to help him, I just don’t know how_

Tony: _Alright, then_

Tony: _Go to the fight tonight_

Tony: _Kick Rumlow’s ass_

Tony: _Save your damsel in distress_

Bucky: _you know I can’t do that_

Tony: _well you’re going to have to pick_

Bucky: _you’re not being very helpful_

Tony: _I’m being honest_

Bucky felt like throwing his phone against the fucking wall.

Everything felt so heavy lately. He was losing all the control he ever had on the Steve Situation. He had dedicated so many years to creating this different version of himself, one that _he_ didn’t even like that much.

Why was everything falling apart now? They only had one year left until graduation, then Steve would go off to some college where they would have no idea who he was. There would be no Rumlow or Pierce to constantly berate him and make his life a living hell. He would be happy, and Bucky could have helped him get through his senior year with ease.

But no, that is not what was going to happen. This whole operation was going to fall apart, and everyone at school was going to see Bucky for who he really was. They’re going to know what he did. They’re going to _hate_ him. Brock and Alex are going to eat him alive, too.

Deep down, he knew that high school was just a blip in the grand scheme of your entire life. But right now, high school _was_ his entire life, and he had fucked it up so horribly. Not only for himself, but also for Steve Rogers.

He felt so low in himself. He just sat and watched the time pass on his alarm clock, waiting for midnight, when the fight was supposed to take place.

In his head, he was on his way to the CVS, the one just a block away from his school. In his head, he was facing Brock Rumlow. In his head, he was yelling at him for being the biggest piece of shit in the entire fucking universe. In his head, he was punching him, making up for all those years of Brock’s torture, not only aimed at Bucky and Steve but also at every other vulnerable person at their school. In his head, Steve was watching, bewildered. In his head, Steve forgave him… for everything. In his head, Bucky had finally done the right thing. In his head, he had fixed everything.

Unfortunately, that was only in his head. He planned to do those things, he really did, but when the time came, he went numb.

He pushed himself out of his bed, quietly leaving the apartment, so as to not wake up his sister and mother. Quickly, he walked to the alley by the drugstore. Fear ran through him. Fear for Steve.

It was one minute past midnight.

In the glow of the window lights, Bucky made out the image of Brock and Alex, standing just outside the alley opening.

“Ahh,” Brock exclaimed upon spotting him, “look who showed up!”

He threw his arm around Bucky, pulling him closely in a terrifying grip that, on regular circumstances, would have been friendly. “We thought you weren’t gonna show up. Especially lil Stevie here.”

Looking into the alley, Bucky saw Steve standing there. Of course he came.

“I had asked him ‘do you think Buck’s gonna show up?’, and you know what he told me?” Brock asked, holding Bucky tighter, the smell of alcohol apparent.

“What’d he say?” Bucky asked, the feeling of numbness returning.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“He said ‘that coward would never show up.’”

Bucky couldn’t manage to look Steve in the eyes.

“What should we do to him, Buck?” Brock asked, sounding excited by the prospect of beating Steve up.

Bucky couldn’t even speak. He couldn’t say a single word.

“I think it’s time that he learned his fucking lesson once and for all, don’t you?”

Alex stood nearby, peering over his shoulder, constantly making sure no one was around. That made Bucky even more scared.

“It seems that no matter what we do, Steve still fights us. Remember what you said about Steve, at that party? Everyone was listening. Remember? You said he was a puny fucking faggot who liked getting his face smashed in.”

Bucky shut his eyes, wishing that everything would just stop.

_This wasn’t how it was supposed to go._

He regretted saying what he did. He was drunk, and he thought he had to condemn Steve publicly to gain their trust. He really was trying to help Steve when he said that.

Steve spoke up from the other side of the alley. “I thought we were here for a fight.”

His voice sounded… hurt. Bucky noticed, which only made him feel worse.

“Is it true?” Brock asked suddenly, now looking to Steve again. “Did you really have a crush on Bucky?”

Bucky pushed against Brock’s arm, trying to get himself out of his grip. He wanted to run away. He really was going to just run away.

Steve had clearly had enough, however. He quickly advanced, his fists ready to fight. Brock pushed Bucky away, also ready to fight now, too.

Brock deflected Steve’s first attempt at a punch, holding down his fist with his left hand and smashing his face in with his right.

He was good at fighting. A kid like that had been fighting since he was eleven years old. He had a big build, too. Steve was small, fragile, and weak. Steve may have been fighting _since he was born,_ but he was no match for Brock.

The sound of his fist against Steve’s face made Bucky want to throw up. He wanted to run away… he wanted to pull Brock off from Steve. He wanted to do anything but just sit there with a dumbfounded like on his face. His limbs had gone numb, however. He couldn’t do a single thing.

Steve stumbled back, feeling the pain from the first hit. Brock wasted no time as he charged forward, punching him in the face yet again, knocking his thin frame to the pavement.

Bucky couldn’t breathe anymore.

Brock picked up his foot, plowing it into Steve’s stomach, warranting a shriek of pain.

Bucky had shut his eyes as he actually began to cry. Embarrassment and shame coursed through him. He wanted to move so badly, but he couldn’t. He could never fucking move.

Brock delivered another kick to Steve, and the kid was on the ground coughing up blood.

Suddenly, there was yelling nearby, ordering them to stop, threatening to call the police. Apparently an older man had heard them fighting.

Brock looked down to Steve, gave a cruel grin, and then ran away, making sure to push into Bucky’s shoulder as he passed. Alex followed.

Bucky was left alone with Steve.

He wanted to say how sorry he was. He wanted to say how sorry he was for everything that he had ever done wrong. But, as always, his true cowardice shown through, and he was left speechless.

Instead, Bucky slowly stumbled towards Steve, who was lying on the ground in pain. In his desperate attempt to regain control over his body, Bucky fell to the ground beside Steve. It was pathetic, really. He had no idea when he had become so pathetic.

Bucky put his hand on Steve gently. “Are you okay?”

“Don’t touch me,” he protested in a pained voice, rolling over to his other side. “Just go away.”

Bucky may have been a fucking coward earlier, watching his friend get the shit kicked out of him, but he wasn’t going to run away now. If anything, he was going to try and atone for yet another mistake he had made.

“C’mon,” Bucky muttered miserably. “I’m gonna pick you up, okay? I’m gonna take you back to my apartment and clean you up.”

He knew if he took him to Steve’s apartment first, Mrs. Rogers would have a heart attack.

“Leave me here,” Steve begged. Bucky knew that he definitely could not do that.

So, despite Steve’s disapproval, Bucky helped him up, holding him close to his side, balancing his weight against his own. Some of Steve’s blood was getting on Bucky’s shirt, but he didn’t care. He grabbed Steve’s hand to keep hold of him as he dragged him back to their apartment building. It reminded him of his walks home with his sister.

Steve let out a sob of pain against Bucky, and he wasn’t sure how much more guilt he could handle.

“You’re a goddamn idiot, you know that?” Bucky muttered, trying to control himself. He knew that he had really fucked things up this time.

He didn’t reply. He just hobbled alongside him. Bucky was too scared to talk more, anyways. So they walked back in silence.

They made it back to Bucky’s apartment, careful not to wake the girls up. Bucky knew that they were both heavy sleepers, however, so he wasn’t too worried about that. He was just _very_ worried about Steve.

His nose, already in a fragile state from its first punch of the day, at lunch, looked awful. It was spilling blood all over again. A black eye was steadily appearing on his face as well. Steve was hunched over, grasping his ribs, as he stood against the sink in the bathroom.

Bucky was trying to wipe the blood off and clean his face, doing his best not to further hurt Steve. He also was trying to clean the little bits of gravel out his hands where he had scraped his skin against the pavement. He wasn’t sure what to do to mend his bruises, however.

He forgot how soft Steve’s skin was. Bucky pushed his hair back gently with his hand, trying to imagine that things were different. Trying to imagine that none of this ever happened.

“You just stood there and watched,” Steve whispered. It was the first thing he had said since they got into the apartment.

Bucky felt all the right things to say die on his tongue, and instead he said nothing. He experienced that phenomenon often.

“Why didn’t you try to stop him?” Steve asked, louder this time. “Usually you at least yell at him, try and distract him for me.”

“I’m so-” Bucky began.

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me that you’re sorry, Bucky. It’s something that I’ve heard you say a lot, but I can never tell if it’s genuine or not. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

Bucky felt his heart quite literally ache from within him.

“You’re such a coward,” Steve muttered. “It doesn’t matter what you tell yourself, you know? You can convince yourself that you’re justified in doing nothing to help… that you’re really doing it to protect me, but in the end you’re just _weak_.”

It felt like Steve was jabbing a knife into his heart. He was saying all the things that Bucky feared.

Steve pushed himself off the counter and began walking to the door.

“Wait,” Bucky whispered, following after him.

“What? This is it, Bucky. This is your last chance. You only have right now to say something, to make it up to me, to apologize.”

The silence was deafening, and Bucky’s heart began to beat faster in his chest. Steve was looking at him dead in the eyes. Now was his moment, the moment that Bucky had often played over in his head.

“I love you.”

Steve let out a pained noise. It was a moment before he responded. “I did, too, remember?” There was venom in his voice. “Back in eighth grade, you remember that? I kissed you, I told you that I loved you.”

Bucky winced. He know how this story ended.

“ _You_ freaked out. You told everyone that I was some gay freak who was obsessed with you. You convinced everyone we ever knew that they should hate me and ignore me and make my life hell. Do you remember that, Bucky?”

He did. That was the ending that he had changed in his head every night that he lied in bed thinking about it. That was the biggest mistake that he had ever made. He was only fifteen. He had no idea what he was doing.

“Why did you do that to me? I keep running through it in my head, Buck. I keep trying to figure out why you would do that and I just can’t seem to figure it out. But now you’re here, telling me that you love me. Did you love me all along?”

Bucky closed his eyes tightly, wanting to run away yet again.

“Is that why you acted the way you did? ‘Cause you felt ashamed that you felt the same way about me?”

Bucky let his face fall into his hands, numb.

“I meant what I said, Bucky.” Steve said after a long moment of silence. “I want you to leave me alone.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate Bucky, we all make mistakes when we're scared. He'll possibly redeem himself in the future...*eyes emoji*


	5. Chapter 5

You know when you make a mistake that stays seared in your mind like a nasty scar? You keep telling yourself that it was nothing, that it doesn’t matter, but your stomach feels sick with guilt and your mind fuzzy with regret.

Bucky makes mistakes sometimes. No matter how many times he jokingly claims to be perfect, he knows the truth. Sometimes he lies to his mother about where he’s been at night. Sometimes he snaps at his little sister when she did nothing wrong. Sometimes he doesn’t do the chores at home. Sometimes he cheats on tests at school.

While they were minor mistakes, things that nearly everyone was guilty of, Bucky could never seem to forgive himself for them. He would brood about it, blame himself for being a bad person. All his life, he had been extremely hard on himself. 

He thought that maybe it came from the pressure he was under in his family. Being the oldest child of a single mother, he felt obligated to constantly look after Rebecca and keep the house clean and make dinner and pack his sister’s lunches and keep everyone happy.

As a consequence of this pressure, Bucky made a lot of mistakes. He was young, and he still wasn’t quite sure how to handle certain situations, and he definitely didn’t know what the right thing to do was. He just knew that he  _ really  _ wanted to do the right thing.

The biggest mistake he had made in his seventeen years of living was incredibly apparent to him. It was a disgusting memory that he couldn’t help but replay in his head nearly everyday. It was a mistake that hurt the person closest to him, and he was still dealing with the consequences of that mistake. 

Everytime he had to fake laugh at one of Brock’s disgusting jokes, he was dealing with the consequences. Everytime he had to talk shit about Steve with his ‘friends’, he was dealing with the consequences. Everytime he had to watch kids bully Steve, leave him as an outcast, he was dealing with the consequences.

Everytime he had to watch Steve from afar, feeling unable to talk to him or even be near him, he was dealing with the consequences.

A lot of people hated middle school, but Bucky actually loved it. Before the end of eighth grade, that is. Back then, he was always surrounded by people he liked. He had lots of close friends and acquaintances, and everyone just knew him as the fun and cool Bucky. All the girls had little crushes on him, too.

His best friend, though, was Steve Rogers. They were constantly together, just as they had been for most of their lives, thanks to their moms. They walked to school together, they scheduled their classes so that they were together in school as much as possible, they ate lunch together, then they would spend the evening after school together. Whether they just walked home and watched the TV while eating Doritos, or they spent time out in the city, they were together.

They loved each other the way that best friends love each other.

When Steve got into little fights with the neighborhood bullies, Bucky was always the one that came and rescued him, using his slightly larger build to fight them off. When Bucky was struggling in history class, Steve was always the one that studied with him before tests. It didn’t matter what they were going through, they went through it together.

The day that everything went wrong was a week before their middle school graduation. 

They were in Bucky’s apartment, Mrs. Barnes at the store with Becca, trying on their suits for the little ceremony the middle school put on for graduation. Steve was confessing how he was worried that he looked funny in his suit, and Bucky admitted that he was worried about looking funny, too. They had never really worn suits before.

So they tried them on, and they laughed at how they both really did look funny in them. It didn’t really matter, though, because at least they were looking funny together. Steve still looked upset, however.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asked, knowing Steve well enough to know when he was troubled by something.

He shrugged, looking down. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately, you know. I’m worried about high school.”

“Why? It’s gonna be awesome, man. Sure, we’ll be the annoying underclassmen for a couple years, and they’ll be a lot of new people. But we’ll be together. We’ve gotten this far. We can handle high school.”

Steve didn’t seem convinced. He did smile, though, thinking about all the things they went through together. Unfortunately, the idea of facing high school together was what worried him.

“It’s just,” he mumbled quietly, “I don’t want you to find a bunch of new friends that you like better than me.”

Steve was a happy, courageous kid back then. Inside his own head, however, he was very anxious and insecure about his skinny frame and awkward personality. He had trouble talking to most people, except of course Bucky.

He was scared that he was going to lose his best friend.

Bucky was shocked. That wasn’t even a possibility that he had considered. “Stevie,” he nearly whispered, pushing him on the shoulder. “That could never happen. You’re my best friend, and you know what, we’re gonna make loads of new friends together. I won’t let you get left behind, I promise.”

Steve grinned, feeling some of his fear leave him. 

“And we’ll get a couple of girls, too. We can go on double dates at the theater and Coney Island,” Bucky said, lost in thought.

“I don’t want that,” Steve confessed.

At first, Bucky didn’t hear him, still talking about double date ideas.

“I don’t want that,” he repeated, louder.

Finally, Bucky heard him. “Hey,” he said with a chuckle. “I know you’re kinda scared of girls, but I think once you get out there and--”

“I don’t want to date any girls,” he said, voice just a whisper.

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, heart beating faster in his chest. “What do you mean?”

“Buck, I… I’m not interested in girls. I never have been.”

He was silent for a few moments. “You’re gay?”

Steve nodded with his head down. He mustered up about the courage to look Bucky in the eyes, moving closer to his best friend.

Bucky didn’t move back. He just watched Steve’s eyes closely. Their faces were practically touching. “You’re the only person I wanna go on dates with,” Steve whispered. Bucky’s eyes moved down to his lips.

Then, Steve moved forward, letting their lips touch. As they kissed, Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s cheek. It was a perfect moment for him.

But then, all of a sudden, Bucky pushed him away. He was breathing heavily, his eyes wide and confused.

“What the hell?” he exclaimed. There was anger in his voice, but mostly fear. “We’re friends! I’m not gay, Steve!”

Steve was heartbroken, and that was apparent in his face.

“I’m sorry,” he began to repeat over and over. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Bucky. I understand if you don’t feel the same, I just--”

Bucky interrupted, his voice cracking as he yelled, “Get out!”

“Please, don’t be mad at me! You don’t have to feel ashamed, Buck,” Steve yelled, desperate and scared.

Bucky was ashamed, though. He was ashamed with how perfect his mouth felt against Steve’s, with how his heart melted as he gently placed his hand against his cheek. He was ashamed that he wanted to kiss him again.

_ He wasn’t  _ gay _. _

Bucky just kept screaming at him to leave, and finally, with tears streaming down his face, he did.

In the aftermath of what had happened, still full of shame and guilt and embarrassment, Bucky made his second mistake of the day. He pulled out his cell phone and told everyone he knew that Steve Rogers was a perverted fag. He told everyone not to be friends with Steve anymore, because  _ he wasn’t _ .

He cried as he did it. He thought about how crying was something he had only done once that he could remember, back when his dog died. Then he thought about how Steve had hugged him while he cried at the vets office.

 

***

 

“What happened to you, kid?” Mr. Coulson exclaimed as Steve entered the classroom. He was usually the first to arrive, coming in early out of boredom and loneliness. He has, however, become quite acquainted with his teacher.

He was taken aback by the black eye and bandage on his nose. “I’m fine, it was nothing,” Steve muttered. He was used to getting beat up, whether he had started the fight or not.

“You shouldn’t be so violent, Steve. I know that you know how to handle things without punches,”

Steve shrugged. “Honestly, I’m not sure if I do. Besides, violence is the only thing that they understand, the guys who do this to me.”

Mr Coulson looked down to his sandwich, visibly upset. He had his fair share of bullying from when he was in high school; he was the nerd gushing over comic books and sci-fi movies. He also really wanted to keep Steve safe.

“There’s no shame in running away from an unfair fight like that, Rogers. They keep messing with you because they know that you’re always going to fight and that they will always win.”

Steve was too stubborn to give up, and he didn’t know how to explain that to his teacher. So he just shut up.

“What was it about  _ this  _ time?”

“It’s kind of a long story,” Steve muttered, grabbing his stomach in pain as he tried to sit down. “Rumlow tried to use someone against me. And I was dumb enough to bite. I hate him, ‘cause he knows exactly what buttons to press to make me upset.”

“And who exactly was the button that he pressed this time?”

Almost as if on cue, the bell rang.

Soon people would be coming into the classroom, and Steve didn’t want people to hear his dirty laundry, as they usually did. He knew that he shouldn’t come to school today; he was unbelievably tired and in pain, but he also knew that school was important, and if he didn’t come he would look like he accepted defeat.

The truth was, Steve was willing to take a million beatings from those boys if it meant saving his pride. Pride was the one thing he refused to let them take away from him.

After everyone found out he was gay, he became a total outcast. Steve didn’t believe that everyone at the school were homophobes, though. He just figured that hating, or worse, ignoring Steve became the socially acceptable thing to do. And if there’s one thing that high school thrives on, it’s unnecessary conformity.

So, Steve became invisible. Unless of course, some asshole was tormenting him.

Once he lost Bucky, he lost everything. All of the friends that the two had once shared took Bucky’s side, and he was  _ alone _ for a long time. It wasn’t until recently that Bruce Banner extended an offer of friendship, helping Steve become more acquainted with some of the others. It was good for him. He hadn’t been able to socialize with others in a long time, except for his mom and grandparents.

Then Peggy came along, and things got better. She was completely supportive of Steve and his little quirks. They were even able to overcome his rusty social skills. She was good for Steve. Peggy helped him forget about Bucky and what he did to him.

But right now, it was all that Steve could think about. He still couldn’t comprehend what had happened that night. Bucky watched him get pummeled, not doing anything to stop it, and then dragged him home, carefully tended to his wounds, and told him he loved him.

_ What kind of game is he playing? _

As students made their way in the classroom, Steve absentmindedly watched the door, waiting for Bucky to pass through. However, he hadn’t seen him all day. It wouldn’t surprise him, at this point, if he skipped school.

He always was a fucking coward. 

As class began, Steve’s suspicions were confirmed; neither Bucky nor Brock was at school.

The assignment for the day, something about grammar, called for a partner, which was Steve’s worst nightmare. Whenever that happened in class, he always just looked around, watching everyone else find their friends while he awkwardly waited to find the other last person chosen.

He closed his eyes, familiar with this feeling of loneliness.

“You alright, killer?” He heard from beside him.

Steve, surprised, snapped his eyes open to find Sam Wilson sitting beside him with a big smile. The last time that they had worked together, Steve had noted how adorable Sam’s smile was, shining bright white with a gap in between his two front teeth.

“Uh,” Steve said with a chuckle, “yeah I’m fine.”

“I would say that I can’t believe that you went to that fight last night, but honestly it is  _ completely  _ believable that you would do that. Christ, he really did ya in, didn’t he?”

Steve shook his head, “I handled it just fine. You should see the other guy.”

Sam smiled, looking around. “Well, you got lucky this time, man. You aren’t gonna be able to use that line once Rumlow comes back to school, though.”

“ _ Ha, ha _ ,” Steve laughed with sarcasm. “Very funny.”

The two laughed together, joking about the fight. Behind the laughter, however, Sam really was worried for Steve. It had been a tough week for him, all thanks to Brock.

“I’m sorry that those guys are such assholes. Brock, Bucky, and Alex. I haven’t seen them around today; guess they were too pansy to come.”

For some reason, Steve cringed at the sound of Bucky’s name grouped with the others.

“Yeah, I’d really like to imagine them at home feeling bad for what they did,” Steve began with a chuckle. “But I have a feeling that they’re actually just ditching. They slept in after a long night of kicking my ass, then they got up and got Denny’s for breakfast and they’ve been stoned, watching Quentin Tarantino movies all day.”

Sam shrugged. “Damn. You’re right; that probably is what they’re doing.”

They shared a chuckle, and Steve was beginning to feel comfortable around Sam. Maybe they were actually going to become friends.

“You have an impeccable skill of characterizing people, Rogers,” Sam noted as he wrote his name down on the grammar worksheet. 

“Yeah, well, it comes from years of watching people from afar instead of actually being with them.”

Sam looked down, feeling bad for Steve. “Why is it that you’re always alone? What did you do to be ostracized by this whole school?”

“That’s kinda a heavy question,” Steve replied with a smile, hoping he could get out of answering it.

So they stuck a pin in that conversation, saving it for another time, and they got to work on the grammar sheet. As it turned out, Sam was amazing at grammar, and Steve thanked his lucky stars for it. They ended up with lots of extra time to talk and joke around. Steve had been feeling so shitty; it was really nice for him to just have a normal conversation with a good guy.

They got around to talking about all the other kids at the school.

“Most Likely to Drop Out?” Sam asked.

“Oh, oh,” Steve exclaimed. “Ugh, what’s his name? Scott Lang!”

Sam laughed, nodding his head. “Alright, alright… Most Likely to Become Famous?”

Steve thought about it for a moment. “Tony Stark,”

“Most Likely to Become a Drug Dealer?”

“Natasha Romanoff, but not because she’ll be desperate for a job or anything. She’d just be a really good drug dealer.”

“True. I would not wanna wrong her. Most Likely to Get arrested?”

“Brock Rumlow,” Steve answered, almost too quickly.

“Ya got that right. All three of those assbags’ll get what’s coming to them, don’t worry.”

He thought about Bucky again. He thought that it was a pity that he had to be lumped together with such bad company, but in the end, Steve knew it was Bucky’s own fault.

 

***

 

Bucky took a sick day, explaining to his mom that he just couldn’t go to school when he had puked all of last night. He wasn’t sure if she believed him or not, but he didn’t really care. Lucky for him, she had heard him in the bathroom late that night, so at least his story matched up with the truth somewhat.

“Well,” Mrs. Barnes mumbled as she got ready for work, “can you go over and see if Steve can walk with Becca to school. I don’t want her to go alone.”

Bucky internally groaned. “Can’t you do it? Or Becca?”

Unfortunately for him, his mother was not in the mood to mess around this morning. “I know you guys are arch nemesis now, but can you please just go over there and ask? I’m sure Sarah will still be around; talk to her.”

“I can’t, Mom,” Bucky muttered before thinking.

She looked him in the eyes, trying to understand what was bothering him so badly. However, she was running out of time to try and psychoanalyze her son, so she gave up, planning to talk to him about it after work.

Of course, it wasn’t until after Becca had left with her schoolbag to go over to Steve’s apartment that Bucky realized she would see his wounds and know that he had gone to the fight. 

_ Oh well,  _ Bucky had thought.  _ Just another mistake. _

He spent the rest of the day just lying in bed. All he could do was think about everything he had done, regretting all of his actions, as usual. He played music to try and drown his thoughts, but, as cliche as it sounds, everything song reminded him of Steve.

By the time ‘Miss You’ by Blink-182 came on, Bucky had to turn off the music and sit in silence instead. That was somehow worse, though. It made him feel less than human to just lie there with that heavy feeling of guilt his chest.

Becca came home a little later than usual, and the first thing she did was run to Bucky’s room to make sure that he was okay. She looked extremely distressed, however.

“Guess what?” she asked, clearly upset.

“What?” Bucky replied, his voice hoarse.

“He went to the fight, even after he promised me that he wouldn’t!”

He adverted his eyes, returning them to the white ceiling. “Well, sorry, Becca. Things don’t always turn out the way that you want them to.”

“He took me to get ice cream, though, so I forgave him,” she stated with a giggle.

It was around that time that Bucky got a text from Bruce Banner, inviting him to his nerd party that night. He just ignored the message.

Soon after that, his mom came home from work with a big pizza, the usual Friday dinner. They huddled around the TV in the living room, trying to pick a movie to watch together. Becca saw that Netflix had added Fantastic Four and was dead set on watching that, while the other two were dead set on helping her understand how bad an idea that was.

“You don’t seem too sick, James,” his mother noted while they looked for a movie.

Bucky was already on his fourth piece of pizza, after not eating anything all day, and he realized how obvious it must have looked. Also, he noticed how she said ‘James’. She only ever used his real name when she was pissed at him.

“I feel better now. It passed after the morning,” Bucky explained.

Mrs. Barnes gave him a pointed look. “Where were you last night?”

Bucky knew that  _ she knew _ . He decided to give up his bullshit story and remain silent.

“It’s funny, I got a very distressed text from Sarah Rogers this afternoon. You know what it said?”

Bucky had an idea.

“It said that Steve went to a fight last night and came home covered in bruises. She also said that you were there. That  _ your friends _ beat him up. Is that true, James?”

_ Shit _ .

He figured that he couldn’t necessarily be mad at Steve for ratting him out. Bucky deserved much worse than a lecture from his mother.

“Mom, I,” Bucky began, before being interrupted by his mother.

“Honestly, what has happened to you? You and Steve used to be joined at the hip, and now you’ve completely exiled him and got yourself new friends who attack boys who can’t fight back?”

She was just yelling at him for the same things that he had been yelling at himself about all day. For the past three years, actually. He actually  _ was  _ feeling sick now. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” he muttered, face in his hands.

“You just let them attack him? How could you do that? What have you let yourself become?”

“Stop yelling at me!” Bucky practically screamed, unable to handle it anymore. “I  _ said  _ I don’t wanna talk about it,”

“You don’t get to choose!”

Bucky jumped off the sofa, grabbing his phone and jacket. “I have to get outta here,” 

Funny enough, his mother didn’t try to stop him.

So he was alone again. It seemed better at first. He left the apartment building and just walked around Brooklyn for a bit. The sun was setting, and the sky was such a beautiful color. It would have been nice. If only his mother’s words weren’t on constant repeat in his head. 

He knew that he had to find a distraction.

That’s when he remembered Bruce’s text from earlier, inviting him over. It even included an address, which was perfect. He just hoped that he wasn’t supposed to RSVP.


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky found the apartment building with ease; after having lived in Brooklyn his whole life, he was quite the expert at navigating the city. Bruce was more than surprised to find Bucky at his door, looking sleep deprived and miserable.

“Hey, man,” he greeted with a worried smile, “I didn’t think you would make it. You alright?”

Bucky put on his best fake smile. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I just was a little sick earlier, but I’m fine now.”

Bruce let him inside. “Yeah, I noticed that you and your friends weren’t at school. Partying all day?”

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Brock and Alex weren’t at school today, either?”

“No,” Bruce replied with a shrug.

“Aye! It’s Bucky Barnes!” 

The yell came from a tall blonde boy that seemed familiar. Bucky racked his brain, trying to figure out who the hell it was. Obviously he knew him.

“It’s me, Clint Barton,” he announced, noticing the confusion. “Remember? We were in the same Boy Scouts patrol?”

Bucky let out a genuine laugh. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s you!”

He had a few memories of Boy Scouts left, but most of them he had either forgotten as time passed or repressed thanks to the Steve Incident.

“You and Steve Rogers were our patrol leaders, though Steve was the official one. You were just always with him,”

Bucky actually smiled, even though the comment hurt; the memory was still nice.

“Yeah, I remember that.” His voice sounded strained.

Bruce interrupted, knowing that it was something of a sensitive subject. “Hey, I think Nat finally finished her round in Risk, Clint. You better get over there and assess the damage that she’s done.”

Clint just let out a hearty laugh. “She’s good, but I know that I’ve got her this time.”

“Dude, you always say that, and yet you  _ always  _ lose to Natasha,” Bruce pointed out.

“It’s called a competitive spirit,” Clint replied as he walked away, headed towards the big dining table where the boardgame was spread out. 

Natasha was sitting there on her phone, waiting for Clint to take his turn. She looked up, though, and waved to Bucky. He felt his stomach flip, and he realized that coming there was a bad idea.  
He watched Natasha, his head now full on yet another awful mistake that he had made in his past. The only thing that pulled him out of it was a big slap on the shoulder by Tony Stark.

“Bucky, what the hell’re  _ you  _ doing here?”

He shrugged, feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. “I just thought that I would stop by.”

There were a lot of questions that Tony wanted to ask him, mostly about Steve, but he decided to save that for later. “You have to meet everyone. Apparently you’ve been re-acquainted with Clint; I would love to see some pics of you two in your lil uniforms, by the way.”

Tony dragged him around the apartment. On the sofas, a few more people were hanging out throwing Uno cards bitterly at one another. Clearly someone had won.

“There’s Wanda and Pietro Maximoff, the two craziest twins that you’ll ever meet. And that’s Thor. Guys, this is Bucky Barnes.”

Bucky looked at them all. “Interesting names,” he murmured.

“Well, I should disclose that that’s not Thor’s real name. We just call him that, after a very funny story from shop class where he may or may not broken his finger with a hammer.”

He just gave an odd smile, nodding his head, pretending to understand.

“Dude,” Wanda began, “you can’t call our names weird when yours is  _ Bucky _ .”

They all shared a laugh. “Yeah, I guess you caught me there.”

“Is there a story about why they call you Bucky? Or was it just because you kinda look like a beaver with those teeth?” Pietro asked with a friendly grin.

“Your friends are so mean!” Bucky exclaimed with a laugh. 

“Yeah, guys,” Thor announced, “be nice to this poor beaver.”

Bucky put up his hands in joking defeat. “My teeth really aren’t that bad. God, you should see Steve’s.”

He didn’t even think about it before he said it. It was weird, talking about him to these strangers.

“Rogers?” Thor asked. “Is he coming tonight?”

“He better,” Pietro interjected. “I like keeping him around; he makes me look much more muscular than I really am, in comparison, ya know.”

Tony made some smart ass comment about how Steve was too busy getting beat up somewhere. “Yeah, I’m sure someone in a random diner made a joke about Abraham Lincoln and got him all riled up.”

After a few more minutes of small talk and jokes, Tony dragged him away again. “C’mon, Barnes. We need to talk alone real quick.”

He led him to what Bucky assumed was Bruce’s room. It was just as nerdy as he would have expected, even including a big Periodic Table poster.

“What happened to Rogers’  _ face _ ?” Tony asked once they were alone. “The kid looked awful today. I mean, he usually looks pretty beaten up, but he never seems  _ this  _ miserable after losing a fight. What happened?”

Bucky sighed heavily. Just when he was beginning to get it out of his head, he had to be reminded.

“There’s not much to say, really,” Bucky explained. “Steve got the shit kicked outta him ‘cause he’s an idiot who couldn’t say no. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Were you there last night?”

Bucky’s first instinct was to lie. He had gotten pretty good at lying over the past few years. He didn’t really want to lie, though. He wanted to tell the truth. He wanted to tell Tony everything that happened between him and Steve. He wanted  _ someone  _ to know the whole truth, besides Steve. 

“I was.”

Tony let out an exasperated groan. “Shit, man. I think you  _ like  _ watching him get beat up.”

“Trust me. I don’t,” Bucky said, sitting down on the edge of Bruce’s bed. He was exhausted.

“I’ll never understand you,” Tony muttered. “I’ve fucking had it, Barnes.”

Bucky just stared at the ground. Everyone was yelling at him today, apparently.

“You know, back in freshmen year I was pissed at you after what you did to Steve. But then I watched you pretend to like those assholes.”

“I wanted to keep Steve safe,”

“Yeah, I pieced that together pretty quickly. Then I was more pissed at you, for not only hurting Steve like that and then trying to justify your cowardice.”

“So why are you here?” 

Tony let out a sigh. “I guess I felt bad for you. You did seem fucking miserable after what you did, and I realized that you needed a real friend. Guess that was a waste of my time, though. You’re clearly not who I thought you were.”

“I can’t explain it, Tony,” Bucky replied quickly. “You have no idea how bad I feel about it, about all of it. I don’t know why I did the things that I did. I was just scared… I made a mistake.”

Tony just stared at him, a baffled look on his face.

“I thought I was doing the right thing by becoming friends with Brock and Alex. I thought that it would be the best way for me to keep Steve safe.”

“Yeah, you really kept him safe last night. Great job.”

“What about freshmen year?” Bucky practically yelled, standing up quickly. “Remember when all those guys in gym class were gonna steal Steve’s clothes as some sorta prank? And  _ I  _ was the one who convinced them not to? Or when that new kid Ryan or whatever the fuck his name was kept trying to beat Steve up?  _ I  _ was the one who planted weed in his locker and got him kicked out. Or when all the kids in our chemistry class were gonna tell the teacher that Steve was cheating on tests and  _ I  _ was the one who told the teacher about their plan before they could try and get him in trouble. Or the countless times that I had to distract and convince and practically fucking  _ beg  _ Rumlow not to fuck with Steve. You know how many awful things that that piece of shit has said to me? You know how many punches I took for Steve?”

Tony just stared at Bucky, who was now breathing heavily from anger. All those things that he kept secret, all those memories that he kept in the back of his head, resurfaced. He wanted someone to know his side of the story, though. The whole thing. 

“Wait a minute,” Tony mumbled in confusion. “Were you the one who fucked up Trent Werner? That kid who used to bully Steve all the time?”

That  _ was  _ Bucky. One day he came into school looking worse than Steve probably ever looked after a fight, but he wouldn’t tell anyone who did it to him. Bucky had to hide his red, sore knuckles for a little while. It was worth it, though; Trent never even looked at Steve again.

“Yeah,” Bucky answered.

“I…” Tony began, struggling to find what to say. “I didn’t know that, Bucky.”

He walked over, about to leave the room when he turned around sharply. “But honestly those things don’t change much. You’re still hurting Steve, no matter what.”

Then Tony left.

He just sat there, enjoying the quiet sound of the music from the living room. He was glad to be alone.

Soon after Tony’s dramatic exit, however, there was a light knock on the door. It was opened, and Natasha stuck her head inside slowly, her face calm and composed.

“Hey, Buck. You okay?”

He looked at her closely. “I’m perfect. On top of the world.”

She knew him well, and she knew that he was being annoyingly sarcastic. “No. I don’t think that you are.”

“How are you, Nat? We haven’t talked in awhile,” Bucky asked, ignoring her observation.

She entered the room, closing the door behind her, and sat down on the bed, too. “I’m fine.”

They watched each other for a few minutes, and Bucky was forced to remember his past yet again. 

It was at the beginning of Bucky’s freshman year that he had met her. She was a year younger, and lived nearby. They became good friends pretty quickly. It was nice for Bucky, because she didn’t go to their school then, still stuck in the eighth grade, so she wasn’t privy of his extensive gossip.

And, well, sometime in between then, they had something of a romantic fling. It was awkward and somewhat forced, even though they both really cared about each other. By the end of it, it was obvious that they were better as just friends.

The mistake that Bucky had made was sleeping with her sometime near the end of their relationship. It was never a good idea, even if they had been soul mates, which they definitely weren’t. At the end of the day, losing your virginity at around fifteen while your mom was at work when you’re secretly in love with your other best friend that you had disgustingly outed  just could never be a good idea.

It was just Bucky’s way of trying to prove that he wasn’t gay. He was also trying to get over Steve. Unsurprisingly, it accomplished neither of those things. In the end, it was just rude to Natasha. Ever since, he had felt very bad about it. He was used to that feeling, though.

They talked a bit more, something they hadn’t done since they had their awkward breakup. Bucky was glad that things seemed normal between them now, though. 

“Sorry about the way that Rumlow treats you. He’s a fucking asshole.”

Natasha laughed. “He’s so desperate; I kind of feel bad for him.”

Bucky shook his head quickly. “Please don’t.”

“God, I’d love to see his face if he ever found out that you and I had sex before. He would flip.”

He had to agree. That  _ did  _ sound pretty funny. Brock never really found out about their short lived relationship. It was one of those things that Bucky kept secret.

A lot of things were kept secret.

“You can’t be so hard on yourself, Bucky. You’re not the villain that you paint yourself to be.”

Bucky looked at her, admiring the calm beauty of her face. “Oh yeah?”

She smiled, nodding slowly. “Yes. I mean, it was a horrible thing that you did, and I’m sure Steve was in pain for a while. But… I think he wants to move on. I think you need to, too.”

“Have you talked to him? Does he know that we dated?”

She shrugged. “We’ve talked a lot. I consider him a friend, but we’ve never talked about you. Sometimes your name comes up during these little get-togethers, actually. Steve usually just tries to change the subject, but every now and then he asks about you.”

Bucky was dying to know what Steve apparently asked about him. He was interrupted, however, when Bruce went looking to find them. “Hey, guys,” he mumbled after opening the door and spotting them, “you better not go looking through my closet.”

“Too late for that,” Natasha said, standing up from bed and heading for the door.

“By the way, Bucky,” Bruce added, “Steve is here. Wanna say hi?”

Bucky inwardly screamed. Was there no way that he could escape that boy? He would probably leave the second that he saw him.

Nevertheless, he stumbled out to the living room where Steve was now arm wrestling Thor on the coffee table. It was kind of sad to watch, considering he didn’t stand a chance next to Thor’s well developed arm muscles. 

The arm wrestle came about after Steve had told him all about the fight he lost that night, explaining the black eye.

“You really need some protein,” Thor commented, letting go of Steve’s hand.

Steve just laughed, at peace with his skinny frame. “Yeah, probably,”

“I like that about you, Rogers, you know that?”

“That I’m malnourished?”

“No,” Thor responded with a laugh. “I like that you stand up for what’s right, that you refuse to run away from a fight. A real man faces his demons head on.”

Bucky felt guilt at that statement. He was the one who couldn’t seem to ever find the courage to face his demons. Maybe that’s why he loved Steve so much.

He rubbed his hand, trying to overcome Thor’s strong grip, he looked up. “Uh, thanks,”

Their eyes met, and Bucky adverted his gaze quickly. He didn’t want to ruin Steve’s night. Not after he ruined so many others.

Steve just ignored him, standing up to grab a soda, getting caught up by the others on the events of the night thus far. Bucky noticed him stumble a little, but he just figured that he was still sore from last night.

“Your friend Bucky is here. You should have heard what he said about your teeth,” Pietro told him with a smug grin.

Steve let out a scoff, looking over to Bucky once more. “It better have been a compliment, Barnes.”

_ Was that… a smile? _

“Yeah,” Bucky replied, trying not to be too thrown off by Steve’s sudden behavior shift. “I told them all about how they’re the strongest part of your body.”

The others chuckled while Steve rolled his eyes. He sat back down on the ground. Well, he more like  _ fell  _ down to the floor, with a laugh.

That was when Bucky started to get suspicious. Was Steve… drunk? No way. Bucky was positive that there was no way that Steve Rogers of all people could have gotten drunk.

But his voice was so uncharacteristically loud and obnoxious. No one else really seemed to notice or care, either. They were all so busy joking around and yelling amongst themselves that it just didn’t occur to them that Steve was drunk.

Bucky knew, though.

Somehow, after a suggestion from Clint, a circle of Spin the Bottle had begun on the floor.

“Seriously, guys?” Bruce asked, shocked. “What are we? Middle schoolers?”

“Why are you always determined to kill any sense of party that  _ I  _ bring?”

Bruce rolled his eyes. “I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a slightly disproportionate female to male ratio. Also, ya know, we’re not  _ middle schoolers _ .”

“Hey, Banner,” Tony quipped. “Love wins. It’s 2016 and we can kiss whoever the hell we wanna.”

They laughed, and Bruce just rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”

Clint didn’t really care, he just wanted an opportunity to snag a kiss from Natasha. Nevertheless, he took heed of what he was saying. “Fine, fine, we can up the ante if you want. How about Seven Minutes in Heaven?”

“Ugh,” Bruce groaned. “That’s even worse.

Everyone laughed, agreeing that it would be funny. They also agreed that Bruce needed to relax.

Bucky just had a bad feeling about  _ everything  _ in his stomach.

The bottle was spun, and the first two people sent to the closet were Wanda and Tony. There was a lot of laughing from the closet, and the two had emerged with their phones in hand and some new selfies on their Snapchat stories. 

Next, Clint and Natasha. Before entering Clint gave a triumphant hand pump. However, on his way out, he was less excited about the game. Clearly he wasn’t getting any Heaven from Natasha.

Then Thor and Pietro were sent to the closet. There was the sound of movement from inside that both interested and worried everyone on the other side. Thankfully, upon exiting it was evident that they were just fighting over who could do more pull ups on the bar that held all the coat hangers. 

“Alright,” Tony announced, “I think it’s time for a little Bucky and Steve action.”

Bucky practically spit out the soda he was sipping on, like in the comedy skits. He figured it was thanks to Tony’s anger at him from earlier. Also, by then, most everyone realized that there was something off about Steve, but no one was really mentioning it. 

“Get in there, gentlemen,” he exclaimed, all too smug as he dragged Bucky against his will into the closet. Steve didn’t really put up a fight; he just walked inside, closing the door behind him.

There was an awkward silence, and they just stared at one another for a few moments. Steve broke that silence, however, with a little chuckle.

“Have you been drinking?” Bucky blurted out, worried about his friend. Steve was supposed to be unbelievably mad at him. There was no way that he would have gotten over it in a single day.

“You know,” Steve began, “it’s funny that we’re in the closet. Very ironic, you know.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Steve, are you okay?”

“Are you?” 

He couldn’t help but laugh. It was just so funny to Bucky that, after all of this time of praying that Steve would just talk to him without being angry, he finally got his wish. Unfortunately, this was not how he had wanted it to happen.

“Why would you drink? That doesn’t seem like you at all.”

“Yeah well,” Steve replied, his words slurring only a little. “You don’t really know me anymore, do you?”

That one definitely hurt.

“I have a lot on my mind, okay,” Steve muttered. 

“Where’d you even get the alcohol?”

“Stole some from Ma,”

“Steve, you shouldn’t drink anymore. You shouldn’t try and use alcohol to get over your feelings.”

He just rolled his eyes. “Stop telling me what to do, Buck.” 

Bucky, in complete disbelief, went to grab for the closet door handle, ready to leave.

“What’re you gonna do? Push me outta the closet like you did three years ago?”

He began to push down on the doorknob, however, Steve quickly grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. Before he even realized what was happening, Steve pushed his face against Bucky’s. 

This was  _ not  _ what Bucky wanted.

He definitely wanted to be kissing Steve, but not like that. Not when Steve was slightly drunk. Not when he knew that when Steve woke up tomorrow morning, he was going to go back to hating Bucky.

He tried to push him off, but, as usual, Steve was persistent despite his weaker size.

Bucky was able to keep him off for a moment, however, to ask, “What’re you doing? You hate me, remember?”

“I do, but this is Seven Minutes in Heaven, Buck,” Steve said with a giggle. “Besides, hating you is getting kind of boring, you know?”

Bucky was actually having a good night. That was, before Steve showed up and ruined everything. After they were called out at the seven minute mark, Bucky grabbed his coat, mumbling something about how he needed to head home.

Everyone was confused and slightly worried, wondering what happened in the closet that made Bucky so upset. Tony, however, watched Bucky hastily leave, feeling pretty sure that  _ he  _ knew what had happened between the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to imagine that it only took a single wine cooler stolen from sarah rogers to get steve tipsy. 
> 
> be nice to me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, um sorry this took a bit. the next chapter comes tomorrow. it's really fun :")

Steve and Bucky sat across from each other, both boys awkwardly looking down at their desks. It had been about a week since The Closet Incident. In that span of time, life had returned back to normal. For whatever reason, Brock and Alex didn’t bother to fuck with Steve, thereby not giving Bucky any chance to talk to him. 

All the craziness that had occurred only a week ago felt like it was all an eternity ago. Bucky would be lying if he said he was glad that things were returning to normal. Sure, he went through a lot of pain during that week, but at least he got to talk to Steve.

Life was put back into place quite quickly, however. Bucky blamed the sudden chaos on Mercury being in retrograde.

“Did you read any of the book?” Steve finally asked.

They were in English class, working on their novel project.

“No. You?”

“Nope.”

They both sighed, knowing exactly why neither of them had started the book.

“I promise I’ll read it tonight,” Bucky mumbled. “I just haven’t had a lot of time lately.”

Steve knew that he was lying, but he would have probably said the same thing. That was, if he actually felt the need to justify his actions. He didn’t, however. Not with Bucky. Not anymore.

The events that had occurred at Bruce’s party were still weighing heavily in his mind, though. He didn’t usually get drunk. It was just that night. No one was home, and he knew that his mother was disappointed in him, and he couldn’t stop feeling sorry for himself. Some nights were just like that for him.

He definitely regretted kissing Bucky, especially while drunk. It was such a dumb move, and Steve didn’t want him to think that he was forgiving him in any way. He was still unbelievably mad at him; he just lost his anger when he was drinking. That’s probably why he  _ did  _ drink every now and then.

Luckily, Bucky hadn’t tried to talk to him for at least a week. He even cut down on his creepy hobby of watching Steve whenever he was around. Brock and Alex seemed to be now intrigued by something new. Steve wondered what it was, but he didn’t really care, as long as he was leaving him alone.

It was somewhat boring without the drama, though, if Steve had to admit it.

“I don’t care if you read it or not,” Steve replied finally. 

He knew deep down that Bucky was going to; Bucky was always an avid reader. When they were kids, he would share a book with Steve while on the subway. By the time they were in middle school, he moved on to highlighting the dirty parts in the Game of Thrones novels for them to read together and giggle at.

“How are you doing lately?” Bucky asked, breaking yet another prolonged silence.

Steve wanted to outright scoff, but he held it in. “Fine.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

This time, Steve just gave out a chuckle. “What do you think?”

“You can’t be mad forever, Steve,”

He turned his head, eyes staring directly at Rumlow. “It seems like  _ he’s  _ been mad at me forever, you know,”

Bucky shut up after that.

“And another thing,” Steve began. These are the things that he had been dreaming of saying to Bucky. “I actually have a reason to be mad at you. I never did anything wrong. He just tortures me because I’m an easy target. And because he’s a homophobic son of a b-”

“When did you start cursing?”

Steve was slightly taken aback by the question. Of all the things to ask, that was what he chose?

“After you gave me a lot of things to curse about, probably,” Steve replied.

Bucky scoffed. “You’re being slightly dramatic, don’t you think? Like, I know I fucked up, but it could have been worse.” 

“Whatever makes you feel better, Buck.”

There was another silence. 

“Do you remember that one time that your mom took us to Coney Island for your fourteenth birthday,”

“She did that for all of my birthdays,” Steve interjected.

“Yeah, well, I’m talking about the one when you turned fourteen,” Bucky replied, a little bothered by the interruption. “Anyways, remember that day? I spent like fifty bucks trying to get you that stuffed bear because you said you thought it was cute.”

Steve did  _ not  _ say it was cute. He distinctly remembers looking closely at the bear and mumbling something about it being nice, but he didn’t remember calling it  _ cute _ . 

“That was fiscally irresponsible of you.”

Bucky let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I suppose so. I remember that you blushed when I gave it to you.”

Steve, unfortunately, did remember blushing at that. It was around that time that he was getting ready to admit his romantic interest in Bucky. All he ever thought about was what his true feelings for Bucky were. Winning that bear for him made him so bashful. It was really embarrassing for Steve to think about, actually.

“I don’t remember  _ blushing _ ,”

Bucky smiled, knowing damn well that Rogers knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Do you still draw?” Bucky asked.

Steve chose to ignore him, opening the book and pretending to read the words. Nothing was really registering, however. All he could think about was Bucky sitting right across from him, even though that was exactly what he was trying to not think about. 

Bucky realized that Steve wasn’t going to tolerate any more of him that day. He accepted that he had a limit, and Bucky didn’t want to push him too far beyond that limit. 

The bell rang shortly after the end of their conversation, and Bucky said goodbye to Steve, but Steve did not say goodbye to Bucky.

Bucky understood. 

He was confident that things were going to get better. He was going to fix everything. Maybe it was a Great Gatsby kind of false hope. 

Steve had left the room, and it was just Bucky and a few other kids when Brock snuck beside him.

“You looked pretty cozy with Rogers there,” he muttered, looking down at Bucky.

Ever since the fight, Brock had been... distant. He seemed to have traded in fucking with Steve for fucking with Bucky. It was clear that he was beginning to realize that Bucky didn’t hate Steve as much as he had let on.

Bucky knew that Brock must have realized from the beginning that Bucky cared a lot about Steve. After all those times of him trying to convince Brock to leave Steve alone… it must have been fairly obvious by then. 

“I’m just trying to get a good grade,” Bucky replied, trying to act cool.

“I have a feeling that that’s not the only thing that you’re trying to get.”

Now Bucky was beginning to get not only pissed but also a little scared. Was Brock looking right through him? Was that dumbass finally catching up?

“Shut the fuck up,” Bucky began. “I didn’t want to get partnered with him, but I-”

“Call him what he really is,” Brock demanded, voice low. 

By now, all the kids in class had left, and Mr Coulson had gone out to hang with another teacher in the hallway.

It was just the two of them, and Brock was standing a little too close for comfort.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” Bucky replied, knowing exactly what Brock wanted him to say.

“Call him a queer, Buck.”

His heart was accelerating. What game was Brock playing now? It was the worst place for Bucky to be in. He knew that Brock wasn’t buying all the lies that he told about hating Steve anymore, but he didn’t want to admit that to him. He had to keep up his silly facade, even if he wasn’t sure if Brock would really believe him.

Was this some fucked up test?

“I know that and you know that, so why bother even saying it?” Bucky asked slowly, trying to justify not using the cruel word as much as Brock had.

“Just fucking say it.”

He knew what Steve would do in this position. He would refuse. He would rather get his ass kicked than let someone scare him into anything. Especially not to call someone a homophobic slur.

Bucky walked away, leaving Brock standing there alone and angry.

 

***

 

“You’re crazy, Steve,” Peggy exclaimed with a laugh, thoroughly enjoying the story she was being told.

It was after school, and the two were walking back to Steve’s apartment, planning to make some cookies and watch Titanic and  _ maybe  _ do homework. It was Friday night, and his mother was going to be gone for the weekend, visiting a college friend in Pennsylvania. Steve had just been telling Peggy about his night at Bruce’s party.

Steve blushed from embarrassment. “It was  _ not  _ funny. I made myself look like a fool.”

“The most unbelievable part is that no one said anything to you. Wow. Why would you think that that was a good idea?”

“Clearly I wasn’t thinking,” Steve muttered bitterly, as though he were being interrogated by his mother for misbehaving.

She stopped walking for just a moment, and Steve walked just a few steps more until he realized that Peggy was no longer walking beside him. He stopped, as well, and looked at her questioningly.

“I’m sorry for laughing,” she said quietly, genuine remorse in her voice. “I shouldn’t have laughed.”

He smiled at her, glad that she was in his life. “Don’t worry about it. I would probably laugh too, if the roles were reversed.”

She smiled again, giving a shrug. “I have no enemy to drunkenly kiss in a closet. Oh, by the way, I think you were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven wrong.”

“I just wish I had never gone that night. If I had known that Bucky was gonna be there…”  
Peggy nodded along with his audible thoughts. “Maybe it’s not a horrible thing that you two are… talking again. Don’t you think that it’s time that you two fixed things?”

He shook his head stubbornly. “No. Unless he really makes it up to me, then I can’t forgive him. Besides, I don’t even see him trying to stand up for me with Brock. Maybe if he grew a fucking spine for once and didn’t let that tool walk all over him, I might respect him a little.”

“Maybe he is? Maybe you just don’t see what he’s doing or understood why he’s doing it?”

“Whose side are you on?” Steve demanded.

Before Peggy could reply, a loud voice from afar shrieked Steve’s name. They both turned around to find Rebecca Barnes jogging towards them, her pastel blue backpack almost falling off her shoulders. Behind her, Bucky was watching, an unreadable expression on his face.

It wasn’t surprising, considering that they lived in the same apartment building, that they occasionally bumped into one another while walking home after school. Either Bucky went fast with picking up Becca from her nearby elementary school, or Steve went slowly.

Usually Becca didn’t feel the need to talk to Steve on the way home, but on that day, she had something very exciting to show him.

“Here,” she said, handing him a clunky object poorly wrapped in construction paper. “I made this for you, to make you feel better about being beat up last week.”

Steve gave her a wide smile as he unwrapped the object. “Aw, Bec, this is nice of you!”

He pulled back the paper to find a little, blue pinch pot made out of clay that she must have made in her art class. “It’s so good!” he exclaimed, doing his best to match her excitement. He really did feel touched by her sentiment. “Thank you, Bec! This makes me feel a lot better,”

Becca gave a little giggle. “It was Bucky’s idea to wrap it in construction paper. We didn’t have any wrapping paper with us, so he grabbed some paper from the art room and we taped it up.”

Steve looked to Bucky, who was now standing nearby, but not exactly near them. Keeping his distance, as usual. 

“It looks beautiful, wrapped and unwrapped,” Steve replied, holding the piece of pottery tightly in his hands, scared of dropping it on the sidewalk.

“I agree,” Peggy interjected. “It’s absolutely lovely, Becca.”

She gave a huge smile, “Thanks!”

Bucky stood nearby, wondering exactly how often they hung out. He was actually feeling pretty left out by that point. He was also wondering why they were calling her ‘Bec’. He figured that Steve was probably so petty that he didn’t even want to use Bucky’s nickname for her.

“Hey, Bec,” Steve said, looking down at her with his warm smile that gave Bucky fucking  _ butterflies _ . “You should come over to my apartment for a bit tonight. Me and Peggy are gonna watch a movie and bake some cookies.”

“Sure,” she replied, already getting excited. “But only if Bucky can come, too!”

Bucky grimaced in horror.

“That sounds great!” Peggy exclaimed before Steve could say a single word. 

Steve knew exactly what was happening here, and he was  _ not  _ happy about it. Peggy, and apparently Becca as well, were scheming to get him and Bucky together again. She was so sure that they just needed to forgive each other that she was going to force it to happen, apparently. 

He looked over to Peggy first, giving her an unamused glare, making sure Becca wouldn’t see it. Then he looked over to Bucky with the same glare. Bucky just put his arms up in a gesture that said ‘ _ it’s not my fault’. _

“Well, great,” Steve said through gritted teeth, trying to be pretend to be excited for Becca’s sake. “The more the merrier.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, this chapter is a little self-indulgent since i really love titanic. don't let go is their till the end of the line.

Six o'clock arrived, and Becca was pulling on Bucky’s arm to get him out of the apartment.

 

“It’s gonna be great, Buck! You and Steve and Peggy are all gonna be friends!”

 

Mrs. Barnes was enjoying the situation. Not only did she get the house to herself for the evening, but she also got to watch Becca force Bucky to be around Steve again. It was a win-win as far as she was concerned. 

 

Waving goodbye to them from the sofa, a bowl of popcorn in her hands, she cooed, “Have fun, kids! Make good choices.”

 

Bucky figured that that wasn’t going to happen. He always made bad choices when it came to Steve. That’s what got him in this mess in the first place.

 

Becca didn’t bother knocking on the door, she just walked on in, the same way that Bucky used to back when he was in this apartment everyday. Steve and Peggy were in the kitchen, already in their pajamas, gathering the ingredients for the cookies.

 

Bucky looked around slowly. He hadn’t been in the apartment in over three years. It was small, but it was all Steve ever wanted. Not much had changed, really. There was still that godawful rug on the floor, the ornate lamp that was almost always covered in dust, and a whole wall of framed photos of Steve. Sarah Rogers always had to buy the school pictures, even when money was tight.

 

“Hey,” Steve greeted, giving Becca a much more excited look than the one he gave Bucky.

 

“Just on time,” Peggy said with a smile. “We were just about to put in the movie.”

 

“What movie?” Bucky asked.

 

“Titanic.”

 

Bucky instantly regretted everything. Of course, of all the movies in the entire world, it just had to be Titanic that he was forced to watch. A timelessly tragic love story. He groaned quietly to himself as Peggy giggled. Clearly  _ she  _ was happy about the choice.

 

“You guys wanna help make the cookies?” Peggy asked, directing the question mostly to Becca, as the movie previews played on the television.

 

“Yeah,” Becca replied, grabbing Bucky’s hand once more and dragging him to the little kitchen. It had this old floral wallpaper that reminded Bucky of an old lady’s home. Steve always loved it, though.

 

Bucky, while still bitter about being dragged (quite literally) into this situation, decided to make the best of it. Despite the somewhat unfavorable conditions of the night, Bucky was going to try and use it to help get closer to Steve again.

 

“Come over here and get the mixer out, Bucky,” Steve said, not with the venom in his voice that was usually present when he talked to him. It was more or less just indifference.

 

Bucky did as he was told, grabbing the heavy, clunky mixer from the cupboard and placing it on the counter. He was reminded of back in middle school when the two used to hang out all the time. Steve was really into baking then, always trying a new recipe, and Bucky was his faithful taste­ tester. The desserts, of course, always turned out amazing.

 

“Do you remember that one time you made rhubarb pie and I found out that I was slightly allergic to rhubarb?” Bucky asked.

 

Steve was standing facing the counter, his face mostly hidden from Bucky, but he could have sworn he saw a little smile on his face. “Yes, I remember that.”

 

Bucky laughed, feeling a bit of the anxiety leave him. “You were freaking out; you thought that I was gonna die.”

 

“No,” Steve replied, now looking him in the eyes with a chuckle. “I was just freaking out because I thought that I had messed up the recipe.”

 

“Funny, Rogers,”

 

Nearby, while neither of them could see it, Peggy was smiling to herself.

 

The movie began on the screen as the four of them worked together to make the batter. Becca had never seen the movie before, so she went over and sat on the sofa, determined to get the whole backstory. Peggy followed her.

 

“I hate the beginning of this movie,” Bucky said to Steve, quietly. “It’s just that greedy treasure hunter and the old hag and her kinda hot granddaughter. Like, it could have easily been cut out, you know?”

 

Steve looked at him, unimpressed. “Gee, Buck, you should be a film critic.”

 

Bucky smiled widely. “You haven’t called me ‘Buck’ in years.”

 

Suddenly, Steve remembered why he was supposed to hate him, and he just rolled his eyes, blushing a little. “Oops.”

 

His little charade wasn’t working on Bucky. He knew that Steve was already forgiving him. He just needed a little pushing. Once the two were reunited, they wouldn’t have to be sad anymore. Bucky just knew it was all going to work out.

 

“You used to love this movie. Our mom’s hated how often we rented it out from Blockbuster.” Bucky mumbled, watching from the kitchen. The television was placed in just the right spot that you could watch it while cooking at the stove or washing the dishes in the sink.

 

“I just liked the visual aesthetic of it.”

 

Bucky scoffed with a grin. “Visual aesthetic  _ my ass _ . You’re a hopeless romantic, admit it.”

 

Steve grinned to himself, shaking his head with embarrassment. “Not true.”

 

“Oh, c’mon! You used to get all teary eyed whenever they showed Jack and Rose on the screen. And I know that you had a crush on Leonardo Dicaprio.”

 

They were laughing now, and Bucky’s heart was filled with such joy at the prospect of them laughing together.

 

“What makes you so sure I had a crush on him?”

 

“‘Cause I did, too. Everyone does!”

 

Steve just grinned, putting his face in his hands. He quietly mumbled, “I totally did,” causing them to laugh all over again.

 

After composing themselves, they got back to work on the cookie dough. “I think it might be done,” Steve declared.

 

“You should taste it and see,” Bucky replied as he dipped his index finger into the bowl, collecting dough and holding it out to Steve.

 

Steve just shot him a glare as he chose to test the dough out with a spoon. Bucky could tell by looking at him that he was still suppressing his smile.

 

“It’s perfect,” Steve mumbled, pulling out a pan. “Help me get these into the oven.”

 

They worked together, rolling the dough into little balls and placing them on the pan. They were both well aware of how close to each other they were. Steve could smell the cologne that Bucky had carefully sprayed on his neck before coming to the apartment.

 

Steve had to try and snap himself out of whatever trance that Bucky had managed to put him under. He had always had some kind of power over Steve. Bucky was sneaking a glimpse at Steve’s face, admiring his long eyelashes, when Steve, too, looked up. Their eyes met and everything was quiet.

 

Regardless of what had happened between them, in that moment, Steve couldn’t help but mourn the three years that they lost.

 

It was a perfect moment, it really was. But then it was ruined by Bucky’s cell phone ringing. They both looked away awkwardly, now feeling weird, as Bucky went to answer the call.

 

“Hey, man,” Brock shouted in the phone, using his usual douchey voice. 

 

Bucky was reminded of his problems again. For just one moment, when he was looking into Steve’s eyes, he was actually able to forget.

 

“Hey,” Bucky muttered into the phone, quietly.

 

“What’re you up to tonight?” His words were slurring together, and Bucky realized that he was drunk, probably at some party.

 

“Nothing much.”

 

“Then come hang out with us. There’s an awesome party in Manhattan. Fuck, man, why aren’t you already here? I’ll text you the location.”

 

“No, no don’t bother. I can’t go anywhere. I’m hanging out with the family.”

 

Steve looked over, curious as to who Bucky was lying to on the phone. He had a good feeling that he knew who it was. All the anger from before was working back into him as he thought about Brock. Then he remembered the shame that Bucky felt about being with Steve,  _ even just fucking near him _ .

 

“Yeah, yeah, I should just be with my family tonight.”

 

Steve walked closer to Bucky. “Tell him that you’re here,”

 

Bucky looked up, an astonished look on his face. “Yeah right,” he muttered, away from the phone. Brock was still trying to convince him to come to the party.

 

Steve didn’t have a joking look on his face. “Tell him that you’re at my apartment, or else you might as well leave.”

 

Any other time, Bucky would have decided that keeping relations good with Brock was his top priority. But he was practically drunk from the happiness he felt earlier that night, laughing with Steve and just being near him again. Apparently Steve had power over Bucky, too.

 

“I can’t come over,” Bucky said slowly into the phone, his heartbeat racing, “‘cause I’m at Steve’s apartment. We’re hanging out. Making cookies. Watching a movie.”

 

There was a long pause on the line, and then Brock began to laugh. “Real funny, Barnes. Now get your ass over here. Now.”

 

“I’m not messing around, Brock.”

 

“Are you fucking serious?” he yelled, anger in his voice. “You’re ditching us for some fucking gay­ass night with Steve Rogers?”

 

Bucky was breathing heavily, actually scared, as he pulled the phone away from his ear and clicked the button to hang up.

 

He would deal the repercussions of that choice later, he decided.

 

There was a silence between the two as Steve set the timer on the oven for the first batch of cookies. “Thanks,” he mumbled finally, looking to Bucky with soft eyes.

 

Before he could respond, Becca yelled into the kitchen. “They’re showing the ship! Look at how pretty it is, Bucky!” 

 

Becca and Peggy chose the big sofa directly in front of the TV, both lying down and taking the whole couch space, forcing Steve and Bucky to sit together in the adjacent loveseat. They watched the movie relatively quietly, Bucky making jokes here and there that Steve would reluctantly laugh at. He was a little busy being carried away by the tragic storyline, as usual. Steve realized that Bucky was right about him. He was a hopeless romantic.

 

The cookies baked well, and everyone was enjoying them. It was actually a really great night for everyone, especially Bucky. But in the back of his mind, all he could think about was the Brock situation.

 

It wasn’t until Jack and Rose were talking in Rose’s suite that everyone but Becca remembered what scene was coming up. Steve and Bucky were beginning to realize that it may not be something that they should be showing Becca when Peggy suggested that the two go on a

little walk around the apartment building.

 

Becca gave a giggle. “Why would we do that?”

 

“There’s a scene coming up that’s not very kid-friendly,” Peggy replied.

 

“We could just fast forward through it,” Steve suggested grabbing the remote.

 

“No,” she responded quickly. “You can just text me when the scene is over,”

 

Steve realized what she was doing now. All a part of her plan to get Steve and Bucky alone together. Not to mention it was alone time during the love scene of one of the best romance movies of all time. He was upset, but he couldn’t deny that it was well played, on Peggy’s part.

 

The two girls left, Becca still pretty confused, leaving Steve and Bucky awkwardly sitting next to one another as Kate Winslet was getting undressed on screen.

 

“Thanks a lot, Peggy,” Steve muttered, causing Bucky to laugh from beside him.

 

“I like her,” he decided. “She’s really cool. I’m glad that you two are friends.”

 

Steve nodded, still feeling awkward about the situation. By now Rose was lying on the sofa, and Jack was beginning his sketch of her.

 

“Why are you friends with Rumlow?” Steve asked as they watched the scene.

 

It seemed like an odd time to ask, but Bucky was nevertheless eager to answer.

 

“Well, after everyone found out that you were gay -- ”

 

“Don’t you mean ‘after I told everyone that Steve Rogers was a perverted fag’?”

 

Bucky bit his bottom lip, hanging his head in shame for a few moments. “After  _ that  _ happened, Rumlow and Pierce made it their mission to publicly shame you every day of your life, and, well, you know how much you hate bullies... you kept getting into fights with them, and I couldn’t stand to see you all beat up all the time.”

 

Steve listened closely, anger building up inside of him as they discussed all those terrible memories.

 

“Well, I thought that if I was their friend, if they trusted me, then I could keep you safe by working them from inside. Does that make any sense?”

 

Steve let out a scoff. “And it never occurred to you that you could have just openly defended me?”

 

Bucky was silent.

 

“But God forbid you damaged your reputation.”

 

“I was so young,” he said, trying to justify the mistakes he had made.

 

“That was  _ three  _ years ago,” Steve replied, teeth gritted, almost yelling now.

 

“Well, it feels like a century ago. Time feels like it goes by so slowly when you’re a teenager.”

 

It was quiet again, and on the screen, Rose and Jack were running away from the man working for Rose’s fiance. Steve thought about texting Peggy that the nudity scene was over, but he still wanted some time alone with Bucky. Besides, there was still a sex scene coming up.

 

“Time went so slowly when you weren’t there with me, too, you know.” Bucky mumbled.

 

Steve just shook his head, a pained expression on his face. “You turned everyone against me, and then you befriended the two boys who bullied me mercilessly. And now, all of a sudden, you wanna come back and act like nothing happened between us?”

 

“You make me sound so bad, when you say it like that.”

 

“I’m not ready to forgive you, alright. Besides, why did you do that thing with Brock today? You spent all this time trying to build up that facade, ‘gaining their trust’, but you broke it so easily?”

 

Bucky sighed to himself, remembering that recent phone call. “Because you asked me to.”

 

Steve didn’t reply.

 

“I just want to make you happy and keep you safe, Stevie. I’ll do anything to get your trust back. At the beginning… I just never thought that you would forgive me. But now… We’ve been closer lately and… I just thought that if we were friends again, we could fight them off together... you know?”

  
  


Steve just mumbled something to himself as he stood up and headed towards the kitchen, leaning against the counter. He texted Peggy to come back with Becca, and Bucky was silently cursing himself for being such an idiot.

 

“I care about you so much, Steve,” he practically whispered as he walked over to where Steve was standing, right under the only light on in the apartment. On the television, a beautiful orchestral version of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ was playing, and Bucky just laughed at how silly it all was.

 

He got very close, grabbing the sides of a now confused­ looking Steve, and kissed him on the forehead.

 

Almost as if on cue, as Bucky stepped away from Steve, the apartment door opened and Peggy and Becca came inside. Becca demanded to be filled in on everything she missed, and so they told her a more kid­ appropriate version of the story.

 

“And he drew a very pretty picture of her,” Bucky was explaining.

 

“Wearing the necklace,” Steve interjected.

 

“Oh, yeah, she was wearing the necklace that Cal gave her. And, uh, that’s about it.”

 

Steve nodded from beside him, both of them now seated in the loveseat again. “Yep. That’s about it.”

 

“Wow, that took a long time... just for him to draw her.”

 

“It was a very detailed drawing,” Bucky said, causing Steve to laugh which then caused Bucky to laugh which then caused Peggy to laugh.

 

They proceeded to watch the rest of the movie, now on the second disc. The ship sunk, and as Jack and Rose said their goodbyes, promising that they won’t let go, Bucky could have

sworn that he saw a tear rolling down Steve’s cheek.

 

‘Steve Rogers, my hopeless romantic’ Bucky thought to himself.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, if you're reading the kite runner or plan to at some point, there is a little spoiler in this. so like, read at your own discretion. but thanks for reading. your comments keep me going :")

Monday was brutal. Bucky was exhausted from a long night of staring at the ceiling, his playlist on shuffle, thinking about everything. But mostly everything pertaining to Steve Rogers. Not to mention, the whole time he had been trying to read the Kite Runner, but failing spectacularly. 

“How are you doing?” Tony asked, startling Bucky who was sitting in first period calculus with his head on his desk. He was supposed to be finishing the chapter three study guide, but he was taking a break from that.

“Any better and it’d be a sin,” Bucky replied, flashing him a cheeky smirk.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Real cute, buddy. But what happened this weekend?’

“Well, me and my mom made squash soup and played Jenga on Saturday, and on Sunday I lied in bed crying to the Smiths. What did you do?”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “I can’t even tell if you’re joking.”

Bucky let out a chuckle.

“I’m serious, though. What happened Friday night? Rumlow, Pierce, and I were at this party in Manhattan. He went to call you to try and get you to come, and when he finished the call he looked pissed, man. What did you tell him?”

“For once,” Bucky muttered before letting out a short yawn. “The truth.”

“Listen,” Tony replied, now sounding obviously irritated. “Regardless of whatever dumbass thing that you did to piss him off, you need to cool it today. I know that you’re trying to rebel against his fascist regime, or at least I  _ think  _ that that’s what you’re trying to do, but I think that he’s reaching his limit.”

Bucky wasn’t in the mood for this today, especially not so early in the morning. It was still, like, eight thirty, for christ’s sake. 

“Why do you keep sticking your nose in my business anyways, Tony?”

His friend let out a laugh, back to his usual cheery disposition. “I guess I just like drama,” he admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. “And while I would love to see you and Shortstack stick it to Rumlow and Pierce, I also don’t wanna see you fuck up even more, Bucky.”

“Shortstack?” he asked with a disbelieving scoff. “Is that really the  _ best  _ you could do?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Keep judging my nicknames and I’ll give you a couple ones that are much worse.”

“Alright, Tony Stank.” 

***

At lunch, Brock just stared daggers at Bucky, and Pierce kept bringing up embarrassing stories of him. Like that one time Bucky was wasted at a party and accidentally threw up on the hottest girl there. Or the other time that Bucky was making fun of superintendent Mr. Fury right when he walked into the classroom they were in. 

It was safe to say that by the end of the lunch period, Bucky was feeling like complete shit. After reliving some of his worst moments, all while sitting across from Brock, who looked like he wanted to strangle him, he really needed a break.

That break came in the form of another partner work day in English. Luckily for Bucky, Steve must have been in a good mood that day.

He gave Bucky a smile when he entered the class, after abruptly ending a conversation with Mr. Coulson. Bucky then had a feeling that they were talking about him. The smile, at least, indicated that maybe he was saying something good about him.

In the few minutes before Brock had stumbled in class, Bucky and Steve had a little conversation about whatever disgusting perfume that someone had sprayed in the hallway. Once Bucky saw him, still looking upset, he acted as though the two weren’t talking at all.

“Hey, Stevie,” Brock muttered, tossing his backpack to the floor beside his desk and taking a seat. 

Steve slowly turned to face the crude boy behind him, only offering a glare.

Bucky just hoped that he would be smart and keep his mouth shut, at least for today. 

“How was the weekend, gentlemen?” 

Of course, he waited to bring up the incident of the weekend until the two of them were together, right in front of him. 

Steve countered by asking, in a faux considerate voice, “How was  _ your  _ weekend, Brock?”

He gave his usual shit-eating grin. “Awesome, bro. My friend over in Manhattan had this crazy party. You should of been there.” Then he gave out a chuckle and shook his head. “Oh, that’s right! You two were too busy sucking each other’s dicks to that shitty Celine Dion song.”

Steve, first of all, was mostly just offended by his abuse of the song ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Second of all, he really began to wonder if Brock had rehearsed that line or it was improv. 

“Hey,” Bucky began, breaking the silence, “it’s not really that bad of a song.”

Steve suppressed a giggle while Brock shifted his glare to Bucky.

“Lighten up, Rumlow,” Bucky continued. “Everything does not have to be as dramatic as you make it, you know.”

He nodded. “You’re right, Barnes. I should definitely should be taking advice from you on how to deal with situations like these. You really are the master at playing it cool. Remember that little issue that you two had? Yeah… you took care of that one well.”

Steve had to give him that one.

“Didn’t overreact at all.” Brock finished.

Before Bucky could even begin to form a reply in his head, Mr. Coulson was addressing the class on the plan for that day. He spoke briefly and then ordered them to get with their partner to work on the packets for their novels. 

Brock, before leaving to meet his partner on the other side of the room, muttered, “Just wait for it, Bucky.”

He looked over to Steve who looked… worried?

“Maybe you should be nicer to him.”

Bucky just scoffed, shaking his head in confusion. “Wait a minute, man. Just last Friday you practically forced me to tell him that we were together at your place watching an iconic romance film and now you’re telling me to back off… to be nice to that dick?”

Steve appeared to be blushing slightly, now looking down with his eyebrows furrowed. “It’s just… I’m worried about you, Buck. I don’t like the way he treats you, and I don’t want him to hurt you.”

He kind of wanted to laugh, it was all pretty funny. It was always Bucky who hated the way that Brock had treated Steve, and it was always Bucky who didn’t want Brock to hurt Steve, not the other way around. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

“Don’t worry about me,” Bucky mumbled, feeling somewhat bashful. “I’ll be able to handle him.”

He didn’t know how to tell Steve that he was really just worried about him. For, like, three years now he has held nothing but contempt for Bucky. Now things were changing, however, and he found himself getting all giggly thinking about his enemy. This was not how things were supposed to go.

Steve really did have to figure out how to control himself around Bucky. He didn’t want to just forgive him all of a sudden just because his crush on him was making a return. But when Bucky was looking at him with that little smile and love in his eyes, Steve couldn’t help but feel his heart skip a beat. 

It also made him very sad. Three years were lost just because Bucky had to be a little shit. They missed out on a lot of memories because of this.

They finally began to actually work on their big assignment, realizing that they were getting somewhat behind. Thankfully, both boys were able to begin the novel over the weekend, and Bucky was actually almost finished.

“How’d you get so far?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just kind of connect for the main character, you know? He made that big mistake, and now he’s got to find redemption somehow. It’s honorable.”

“Yeah, well,” Steve replied in an indifferent voice. “Maybe you can take some pointers from him?”  
Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re so mean to me, Rogers.”

Steve was distracted the rest of the day, thinking about the Brock Situation. How were they going to fly under his radar for any longer? At some point, they were going to be seriously burned. It was just a matter of time until Rumlow and Pierce hatched some evil plan to throw Steve into moving traffic.

He did his best to not be afraid of them, but after all of the shit he had taken from those boys, he felt justified in his fear. When the time came, would Bucky really be there to protect him?

***

A week had passed with minimal communication. They began walking home together, but Becca was usually so excited by something that happened at school that it was just mostly her babbling on. English class didn’t even give them a chance to talk, either, thanks to a new class reading assignment of Macbeth. 

Steve had been sitting at home, his mother gone yet again for work, and he was feeling especially lonely that day. He thought about inviting Peggy over, but she was busy tutoring a freshman boy who didn’t understand the first thing about algebra.

It was annoying to him that he didn’t have Bucky’s number. Then, after realizing this, it was annoying to him that it was annoying to him that he didn’t have Bucky’s number.

What he really wanted was to just see him and talk to him, but at the same time he was still bitter about everything. He knew deep down that if he just kept talking to Bucky, he could work on forgiving him, thereby finding some peace within him for once.

_ Just fucking do it, Rogers. What do you have to lose? He literally wants you to go talk to him.  _

It didn’t take long for him to be knocking on the apartment door labeled ‘107’. 

Luckily for him, it didn’t take long for Bucky to answer the door with a smug smirk. And then, using his sarcastic voice, he said, “Fancy meeting you here.”

Steve rolled his eyes and entered the apartment, pushing his friend aside. Looking around, the place seemed unusually unkempt, dirty dishes piled in the sink and candy bar wrappers all over the place.

“Jeez, Buck, what happened in here?”

He closed the door. Steve was doing that thing where he looked completely spaced out, staring at the ground with a defeated gaze. It wasn’t a look that he had seen often, but it was definitely a look that he wouldn’t forget from those few memories he had of seeing it.

“Well, uh, Mom and Becca are spending a few days in Jersey, visiting our grandma. They left Friday night.”

Steve realized that there was something wrong. “Is everything alright?”

Bucky just shook his. “I’m not really sure. She, uh, had a stroke Friday afternoon. Really freaked my mom out. She wanted to go see her for, like, a week. She was gonna leave Becca with me, but, I mean, you know Becca; she begged nonstop until Mom finally decided to take her with her.”

Steve remembered the grandma from Jersey. She was… not great, to say the least. During spring break, Mrs. Barnes would take them all to see her; she had a big cabin in upstate New York that she spent many months occupying. 

It was nice there, and Steve and Bucky always had lots of fun in the wilderness that they so rarely got to see. They would have bonfires, Bucky always burning his marshmallows to hell, claiming that the charred taste was the best part, which made Steve irrationally upset. Or they would fish in the nearby lake; Steve was usually pretty good at catching fish, but Bucky would always get impatient and end up just reading a comic book out loud, so even if it scared fish away, the two could at least enjoy the story. 

Or they would be swimming in the river, splashing water at each other. It wasn’t until the last spring break that they had spent together at the cabin that they had been roughhousing in the water and Bucky had accidentally gone too far. He was pushing the water towards Steve, and it was too much for him, forcing him into a brutal coughing fit. Bucky had to drag him out of the river, and that’s when he realized how much it hurt him to cause Steve pain, and how much he never wanted to do it again.

Unfortunately, he forgot that about a month later.

While the cabin was fantastic, the grandmother was an unbelievably rude woman who hated practically everyone. She was racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and all things in between. It hurt Steve to hear the crude things that she said, but he also knew that he couldn’t get into a fist fight with a grandma. He had definitely tried once before, though.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” Steve finally replied, moving an empty bag of chips to sit down on the sofa. Steve found it astonishing, really, how big of a mess Bucky had managed to create within, like, a day.

He sat beside him, nodding slowly. “It’s alright. I mean, you remember Grandma Edna, right? She was kinda a bitch.”

“You shouldn’t use that word to describe women.”

Bucky gave a small chuckle, though still looking upset. “Sorry. She was a total assbag.”

“That’s better. And kind of true.”

He just shrugged. “Yeah. I never really liked her.”

Steve had figured just as much, but that didn’t explain why Bucky looked so devastated now. Why was he worried about a woman that he hated?

Then Steve remembered why he had such a personal issue with her. Well, Steve made  _ any  _ kind of injustice a personal issue. Nevertheless, the woman said some nasty things about gay people that really shook him. Especially back when he was first coming to terms with his sexuality, it really hurt to hear those things.

As Steve looked back in retrospect, he realized that Bucky would have been deeply offended by those things, too. It was hard enough to hear those things from anyone, but from your  _ grandmother _ ? It was probably a contributing factor to Bucky’s internalized homophobia. 

Steve couldn’t help but feel so sorry for him. It certainly didn’t justify what he did, but it at least explained it somewhat.

“But you’re right,” he stated, “she was a total bitch.”

Bucky now let out a heavy laugh as he settled back into the sofa, holding his head in his hands. “I just don’t know, Steve. I wanna feel bad, but I just really don’t give a shit, you know?”

“You  _ seem  _ upset.”

“Yeah, well, she doesn’t exactly give me a lot of fond memories. Mostly just…”

Was Bucky still too afraid to open up to Steve about his feelings? To open up to anyone?

Bucky didn’t say anything else. He just bit his bottom lip hard, his jaw locked tightly. There were countless things that he wanted to say, actually, but he just couldn’t. Steve didn’t seem to mind when Bucky rested his head, heavy with all his thoughts, on his shoulder, either.

“Can we hang out for a little?” he asked slowly and quietly, like a young child asking for his parents if he could sleep in their bed after having a nightmare.

Steve just nodded, and Bucky felt a million times better.

They sat there for a little while, just enjoying the quietness. Nearby, someone began yelling, and Steve had a feeling it was Mrs. Scott yelling at her husband from apartment 101. Bucky thought it was Sally yelling at her brother from apartment 102.

“We should work on our project for English,” Steve mumbled quietly, breaking the silence between the two boys.

Bucky internally groaned. “But I don’t wanna.”

“C’mon. We gotta work. Don’t use that whiney voice.”

Steve left to retrieve his books from his apartment, and Bucky had found his, too. Steve came back to the Barnes apartment to find him sitting on the sofa, with a blank gaze. He had never really seen him like this.

“Alright, we need to start on worksheet number five and--” Steve began.

“Why’re you being so nice to me lately?”

It was something that Steve had been wondering, too. While he was impeccable at holding a grudge, as he had done with Bucky for about three years, he also had a yearning within him that only wanted peace. He didn’t necessarily want to fight, but he was willing to if need be. Lately, though, it didn’t feel necessary to fight Bucky.

Steve just shrugged, sitting down on the other side of the sofa. “I guess I’m getting lazy.”

“You just feel bad for me, about my grandma being sick and all.”

“We should work, Buck,”

He reluctantly listened to Steve, beginning to work on the paper, occasionally discussing the novel. 

“Well, Amir feels bad about betraying Hassan’s trust, which led to him getting killed by the Taliban. So he goes back to Afghanistan to make sure Hassan’s kid is okay. Like, he’s trying to redeem himself for what he did.”

Steve nodded, agreeing. “The question is: ‘Should Amir be held accountable for a mistake he made when he was young?”

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. _ Of course  _ they got this book.

“I mean, he was just a kid. So, like, he should be held accountable, of course, but maybe not judged as harshly, you know? Like he should get a second chance.”

Steve raised his eyebrows, nodding slowly with a knowing grin. “Yeah, but he really ended up hurting Hassan. What about him? It may have been a little mistake he made when he was a kid, but look at how it affected his best friend. Maybe he just doesn’t deserve a second chance.”

“But don’t you think that everyone deserves a second chance? Especially those who feel true remorse at what they’ve done?”

“Well, I don’t really see Amir showing any remorse. He’s just doing it to help his guilty conscience.”

“Well, maybe you just don’t understand Amir,” Bucky stated. “Maybe he’s got more going on than you thought. Maybe he was under a lot of pressure. Maybe he was scared.”

It was clear that they weren’t really talking about  _ The Kite Runner  _ anymore, and now they were just discussing their past together.

Steve just sighed, trying not to get too emotional. Another silence fell upon them, and he began doodling on the side of the paper, his mind too busy to form a response to the question.

“I’m glad that you still draw, Steve,” Bucky commented softly. “You were always so good at it. Remember when we were younger, and you would sit at the pier and draw portraits of the other kids for quarters? And then we would go get shakes with the money you made?”

Steve couldn’t help but laugh at the old memory, something he hadn’t thought of in a long time. “Yeah, and we never made enough money, so our moms would have to pay for it anyways.”

Bucky loved when they had a moment like that. Three years without even talking to his best friend was absolutely brutal. 

“I’m, uh, working on this piece right now for a local art exhibit. I made friends with the curator, and she really wants to get some of stuff in there. There’s gonna be this showing for young Brooklyn artists, and, um, yeah.”

“Stevie, that’s awesome!” Bucky exclaimed, sitting up to be closer to the other boy. “Like, seriously, man. I’m sure it’s well deserved.”

Steve grinned, something he couldn’t help but do whenever anyone complimented his art. It was something he was incredibly proud of. He had had a lot of time to practice drawing when he was a friendless outcast. Most days, his art was the only thing that kept him sane.

“Can I come?”

“What?”

“Can I come, to the art show? I understand if you don’t want me there, of course. But, um… I would really want to come and see your stuff.”

Steve considered it thoughtfully. It would be nice to show Bucky the pieces that he’s worked really hard on, but he also didn’t know if Bucky deserved to come. He had to ask himself if he was ready to let him back into his life.

“We’ll see,” Steve replied finally, staring at the doodle on his paper. It was then that he realized that he had been absentmindedly sketching Bucky. 

Bucky began writing his response to the question on the worksheet, and Steve tried to do the same. He just couldn’t stop thinking about their conversation earlier that was really about their own situation.

“You know,” Steve began slowly, “maybe I wanna understand Amir, I just don’t know how.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, thanks for reading. comment with what you guys think steve and bucky should go as for halloween.

As time passed, and the more Bucky was able to reconnect with Steve, the more defiant he grew against Brock. It was still just little comments here and there that would throw Rumlow off.

Like, on Tuesday, when Bucky and Brock were already seated, waiting for class to start. Steve had come in and sat down funny, letting out a sound of pain. While he had actually just been sore from falling down from a stepladder while trying to help his mother fix a lopsided picture frame, Brock asked, in his usual loud and douchey voice, “A little sore from getting it up the ass, Steve?”

The thing that Steve was most offended by was his usual terribly formed insults. If he was going to be made fun of by that asshole, he would have preferred if Brock had actually put even a little bit of work into the snide comments he made. Nevertheless, Steve chose to ignore it.

Bucky, however, feeling confident, didn’t.

“At least he’s actually having sex, Brock. I know that that’s kinda been a hard thing for you to get lately,”

Brock looked at him, clearly pissed. “Shut the fuck up, Barnes. I get more than you do,”

While Bucky knew it was true, he had to keep biting back. It was fun fucking with him. “Man, the last time you saw a vagina was when you were being birthed from one.”

Steve let out a sharp, accidental laugh from in front of them.

Brock pushed into his shoulder angrily. “Whatever, man.”

Then there was an incident on Wednesday, at lunch. Bucky, Brock, Alex, and Tony were all sitting at their usual table outside when Steve had passed by, headed to the trashcan to throw out his garbage. As if they were in some cliche high school movie, Brock carefully extended his leg out, letting Steve trip on it, his skinny frame knocking into the ground.

Bucky automatically jumped out of his seat, quickly helping Steve off the ground and making sure he was okay. “Jeez, Brock, you’re gonna kill him one of these days.”

Luckily, Steve was okay, and very surprised that Bucky had openly helped him like that.

“Aww, c’mon, Buck. I’m just trying to have some fun, keeping him sharp.”

Bucky sat back down at the table, and at the end of the lunch period when Brock got up to leave, he tripped him the same way he had to Steve.

Brock, just like Steve, fell straight to the concrete. 

“What the fuck?” He exclaimed.

Bucky let out a laugh. “Aww, c’mon, Brock. Just keeping ya sharp.”

Then, on Friday, after the final bell rang and Bucky was at his locker, throwing some books into his backpack, Brock came up to him. 

“Hey, man,” he began, a gross grin plastered on his face. “You gotta come with me tonight; there’s gonna be a huge party at Seth Gibson’s place. He’s got a shit ton of booze, too.”

“Eh, sorry, but I’m trying to drink less.”

Brock scoffed. “Why the hell would you wanna do that?”

Truthfully, Bucky used alcohol as some kind of coping mechanism to deal with Brock and Alex when he was forced to be around them. It wasn’t a healthy habit, and he was really focused on trying to do the right thing from now on. All a part of the plan to make things up to Steve.

“I just need to focus on school right now, alright. I’ve so fucking behind it’s not even funny.”

The halls were clearing out by then, and Brock decided to take advantage of the quiet hall by suddenly grabbing Bucky’s chest and throwing him against the wall of lockers.

He got unsettlingly close to Bucky’s face. “What the fuck is going on with you lately, man?”

Bucky was trying to push himself out of Brock’s tight grip, but he couldn’t quite manage it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, now get off from me, asshole!”

Brock pushed harder, his elbow pressed against Bucky’s chest, causing severe pain. “I know you’re lying.” He gave a little laugh. “I bet you’re actually gonna spend the night with lil Stevie, aren’t you?”

“Fuck off!” he yelled in response.

Bucky actually wasn’t planning to hang out with Steve at all, even though he really wanted to. He just pushed harder against Brock’s grip, really focusing on escaping.

Suddenly, Brock was torn away from Bucky and pushed back into the wall on the other side of the hallway. Bucky looked up in astonishment to see Peggy Carter staring at Brock with a predatory glare.

Brock wasn’t gonna hit a girl, at least not in public. Bucky had this feeling that he would have no qualms with abusing a girl. Just another gross thing about him.

He just glared at her in confusion and anger as she grabbed the equally confused and angry Bucky, guiding him down the hallway and away from Brock.

“Jeez, Peggy,” Bucky scoffed. “You’re stronger than you look.”

She laughed. “Thanks.”

Peggy led him to one of the schools many exits, finding Steve waiting on the other side. It must have been where they usually met up after school. He looked confused to see Bucky.

Bucky didn’t want Steve to know about what had happened between him and Brock; he really didn’t want Steve to worry about him or anything. He just hoped that Peggy wouldn’t say anything, either.

***

In the following weeks, Bucky was cautious around Brock. All he could think about whenever he saw his goddamned face was when he was aggressively pinning him up against a locker. He knew that he would able to physically defend himself, if need be. Steve, however, couldn’t.

Regardless of what had been going on between him and Steve, his priority was still to keep the kid safe. The only difference was that now Bucky knew, without a doubt, what the right thing to do was. Being close to Steve again had made that so clear. 

He planned to finally stand up to Brock, to publicly apologize to Steve, and to come out as gay. That was a lot to do, though, and it was a dangerous plan, as well. Bucky knew that his best bet was to lay low for now and think hard before he made any big moves.

He didn’t want his carelessness to get Steve hurt again.

But the kid made it so fucking hard for him. While he was pretending to play the role of Brock’s best dudebro, he was back to watching Steve from afar. It was a helpless feeling, pretending to not be preoccupied by him. It felt like nothing from the past month had even happened, that he was back at rock bottom.

For every bit of bullshit between Brock and Alex that he had to put up with, Bucky would just imagine the day when he would finally be able to sock him right in the face. 

October had rolled along, and the weather was getting colder and colder. Lots of people still ate outside in an attempt to avoid the crowded cafeteria. Including Brock, Alex, Tony, and Bucky. And Steve.

On this particular day, however, Brock was serving a lunch detention for getting caught threatening some freshman kid. It didn’t surprise Bucky one bit; Brock had a hobby for bullying people smaller than him.

Tony and Alex were having some conversation about global issues, one of the few interests that the two had in common. Bucky, in his slight boredom, looked over to Steve.

Bucky didn’t really know why he would still be sitting out there. It was pretty cold, and Steve’s fragile body was not well suited for that kind of temperature. He was wearing this sweater that looked so thin, and even from far away Bucky could see him shaking. 

Steve and his mother were always tight on cash, due partly to his countless ailments. Consequently, Steve hated using any of the extra money on things like clothing, even when he clearly needed to. Bucky wondered if he would be offended if he offered to let him borrow some of this thicker sweaters or coats. He knew how Steve could be sometimes, with his pride and everything.

As Bucky was glancing over at him, Steve looked up, too, their eyes meeting for a moment. Bucky flashed a smile, a test to try and determine what kind of mood Steve was in today. It changed often. Sometimes he would be standoffish and cold, and other times he would be friendly with him.

Steve gave a slight smile back, and Bucky felt immediate confidence. It was crazy, the effect that he had over him. 

“I’ll, uh, be right back,” Bucky mumbled to Tony and Alex, who were too busy in the middle of a heated debate over Syrian refugees to really notice.

He looked around nervously, almost as though he was expecting Brock to jump out out of nowhere and catch him in the act. Reassured by the thought of him being locked up on the other side of the school, Bucky walked over to the tree where Steve spent his lunchtime.

“Hey.” 

“Hey.”

Bucky pointed to the spot on the ground next to Steve, covered in yellow and orange leaves that had fallen from the tree. “This spot taken?”

Steve gave a bashful grin that he tried very hard to hide, reminding Bucky that maybe he too had an effect over him. “Depends on who’s askin’,”

He shrugged. “Just the second cutest boy in town,”

“Oh yeah?” Steve asked, raising his eyebrows in playful disbelief. “I guess I’ll just have to wait for the first cutest boy in town.”

Bucky leaned in a little, looking Steve in the eyes and quietly replied, “Well, I’m looking right at him.”

Steve just kept hiding that grin, rolling his eyes indignantly, and Bucky decided it was safe to sit down. It was funny, sitting there beside him, his usual lunch table in perfect view. So many moments he had spent looking over to Steve from that table, checking on him, finding strength in the sight of him on the days when Brock was really testing his patience. 

“Where’s your buddy Rumlow?”

“Let’s not talk about Brock.”

Steve just let it go, shifting his gaze to Bucky, who was still staring at the lunch table.

“What are you thinking?”

Bucky’s face broke out in a smile, and he just shook his head a bit. “I don’t know. About how happy I was when you began sitting here, right where I could keep an eye on you.”

“That’s funny,” Steve replied quickly, without really thinking, “‘cause I sat here so I could keep an eye on you.”

“Keep an eye on me?”

Steve looked down awkwardly. “I guess I felt bad for you, having to deal with Brock and everything.”

“I thought that  _ you  _ thought that I was just like them?”

“Yeah, when I was mad and feeling bitter. But in the end, I remembered who you really were, Buck. It took me a while to figure it out, but I know that you’re not a bad guy. You just did some bad things.”

“ _ But I did them _ .”

Steve wanted to stop talking about this. He hated talking about this just as much as Bucky probably did. It was just a rehashing of all their worst moments.

So there was silence, and as Bucky felt Steve’s body shiver a bit next to him, he was suddenly reminded by what made him come over there in the first place. 

“Hey, you need to cover up more, Stevie. It’s getting really cold.”

Steve scoffed. “Alright. Thanks, Mom.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes as he took off his leather jacket, handing it to Steve without a word.

“Are you kidding me? It’s way too big. I’ll look ridiculous.”

“Aww, no it won’t. You look ridiculous regardless, buddy.”

Steve pushed into Bucky’s hard with playful anger. “Jerk.”

“Punk.”

Steve, now carelessly feeling like the female lead in a romcom, slipped the jacket over his shoulders, instantly feeling warmer. While it was slightly embarrassing, he was incredibly grateful for the small gesture. Even if a few people were looking at them weirdly now, including Tony.

“Aren’t you worried about your rep, Bucky? Don’t wanna be seen with the puny gay boy. They might get the wrong idea.”

He knew why he was saying it, that it wasn’t just some self-deprecating comment. If Bucky was being honest, he  _ was  _ worried. He just couldn’t help it. Homophobia had followed him his whole life, conditioning him to find his own sexuality inherently wrong. He was trying to fix that, though. He really was. After all, it had caused enough problems in his life.

“No. I’m more worried about them seeing me in this shirt. I was wearing that jacket ‘cause I spilled coffee over the side of it this morning.”

Steve leaned over giddily to see the large stain. He couldn’t help but chuckle.

Bucky let out a worried noise. “Is it really that bad? Am I gonna have to ask for the jacket back?”

“No, no. It just goes with your bad boy demeanor even more, Buck. There’s  _ nothing  _ more punk rock than not caring about stains on your clothing.”

He laughed, nodding in agreement. “Well, damn. You got me there.”

***

Bucky was getting ready to leave school, remembering to grab his Kite Runner copy in hopes of working more with Steve on their project, when Tony gave him a slap on the shoulder.

“Hey, Romeo.”

Bucky quirked an eyebrow in confusion. “Excuse me?”

Tony grinned widely. “Don’t look at me like that. I saw you and your beloved at lunch today. So adorable. Hashtag relationship goals.”

“Please stop,” Bucky replied lightly.

“Aww, c’mon. I’m sure you two little shits are completely aware of how cute you are together.”

“That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“That’s what I’m here for you.”

Bucky continued to pack his backpack. “What do you want?”

Tony licked his lips as he looked away, and Bucky realized it was something serious. “I’m just surprised that you’re being so openly pro-Steve lately.”

Bucky was expecting this conversation between them. He was glad that Tony was initiating it, though. He really wanted to get him back on his side. He was going to need it when things fell apart soon.

He shut his locker, motioning Tony to follow him as he talked. “I never thought that Steve was going to forgive me, but things are going so well now. I think it’s time I just gave up the whole act.”

“I thought you were trying to keep Steve safe.”

Bucky maneuvered through the hallways, not wanting to be late for meeting up with Steve and Peggy at the west exit.

“Well, I’m going to figure out how to do that in a different way. And if that means countless black eyes, then I’ll just have to deal with it.”

Tony let out a small laugh. “So your plan is to just finally stand up to Brock and then… What? Spend your senior year with your new boyfriend?”

Bucky glowered at him. “Try and sound a little optimistic for me, please.”

“I’m just saying, it’s not exactly a dynamite plan. I don’t want anything to happen to the kid, either, you know.”

They reached the west exit, and Bucky turned to Tony. “Well, if you think of anything better, please tell me. Seriously. For now, though, I gotta go pick up Becca.”

“I’ll come with.”

The two didn’t usually hang out if they weren’t at school. Sometimes Brock would drag Bucky to some party, and Tony would pity him and come along to make sure that he didn’t get himself in trouble. Truth be told, Bucky had a habit of getting himself in trouble.

“Are you sure? I mean, I’ve been walking with Steve and Peggy lately. It might be a little awkward.”

“Peggy Carter?” Tony asked incredulously. “I’ve heard a lot of great things about her. She’s in all of the AP classes, right?”

“I guess?”

Tony pushed through the door, excited about the prospect of meeting the well regarded Peggy. As per the new usual, the two were leaning against the brick wall of the school, talking animatedly about something. 

“Miss Carter,” Tony began as he walked up to her, interrupting their conversation, “allow me to introduce myself to you. I’m Tony Stark.”

She raised her eyebrows questioningly. “Oh, uh, hello. I’m Peggy.”

He gave his “charming” smile. “Principal Fury has told me so much about you.”

“Mr. Fury? What… do you two just chat together?”

Tony shrugged. “We keep in touch. He likes to associate with the top tier students at the school. That’s why he doesn’t even know Bucky’s name.”

“Hey, what the hell?” Bucky exclaimed.

“Anyways,” Tony continued, still looking at Peggy. “He tells me that you’re practically a shoo-in for this year’s Leadership Award.”

“Whoa, what?” Steve interjected. “Isn’t that, like, a really coveted scholarship?”

Peggy looked to Tony with wide eyes. “They might give me the award?”

“Yeah,” he replied, clearly satisfied with himself. “The committee is really impressed by your achievements at the school so far, especially considering that you’re new to the area, and everything. And that project you started to get students more involved at the local food kitchen? They’re practically obsessed with you.”

Bucky was extremely confused. No one had ever told him that Peggy started that project at the school. He wondered what other things she had secretly been spearheading. Clearly he needed to talk to her more.

Steve excitedly congratulated her, giving her a warm hug, making Bucky slightly jealous. She was going to get an amazing award, scholarship, and a hug from Steve Rogers? 

“But wait,” Steve began, “how do you know who the committee is considering?”

He grinned smugly. “Well, they’ve tried to give me the award every year for the past three years. I always direct them to someone else, kids who I know need the scholarship money more than me. I’m kind of a hero, you know?”

They all collectively rolled their eyes. However, they were still impressed by his efforts. It made sense that Tony would have been offered the award in the past, considering all of the tech initiatives he had helped with. 

He had always rubbed Steve the wrong way with us egotistical behavior and lack of seriousness. Listening to him now, though, Steve realized maybe he had judged Tony a little harshly in the past. It was a really great thing, what he did by declining the prestigious award so other kids could get a shot at much needed university money. 

They all began walking, Tony now explaining the award to Peggy as she listened intentively. Steve hung back a few steps with Bucky, grinning ear to ear, excited for his best friend.

“She really deserves it,” he said quietly to Bucky as they walked. 

They were nearing the elementary school, and Bucky knew that soon Becca would be with them, giving them no time to talk in private. Well, as private as a street full of recently-released schoolchildren could be.

“Yeah, she definitely does,” Bucky replied, even if he hadn’t even known how much she deserved it until just a few minutes ago. 

Steve just nodded, looking happy. It had been a good day for the two of them. 

Bucky just hoped he wasn’t about to ruin it with a question that had been bugging him for a while. Seeing Steve be so affectionate for Peggy had only made him more inclined to ask.

“Have you dated anyone since we, uh, stopped talking?”

He looked somewhat startled, gaze shifting from ahead of him to Bucky suddenly. “Um, no. Why do you ask? I mean, Peggy and I just friends, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“No, no,” Bucky countered, feeling like an awkward mess. “I, uh… I know that you two are just good friends. I was just wondering if anytime in between, you were… romantically attached to anyone?”

“ _ Romantically attached _ ?” 

Bucky tried not to blush at how awfully he was handling all of this. “You know what I mean.”

Steve gave a little chuckle, which diffused a little bit of the tension, at least. “Nope. Just me. Literally, just me. I wasn’t even platonically attached to anyone since we ‘stopped talking’. Until Peggy came along, that is.”

Bucky nodded, now feeling guilty for being happy that Steve hadn’t had a significant other since they were friends. It was extremely selfish for him to feel that way.

“Have you?”

_ Shit _ . Now Bucky remembered why he had never asked. He didn’t want to have to tell Steve about how he had messed up with Nat. She understood what had happened, and they were actually talking a lot more lately, patching up their lost friendship just as Bucky was doing with Steve. 

But he wasn’t quite sure that Steve would completely understand.

Luckily for him, they were nearing the elementary school, and he could see Becca quickly walking towards them with her usual smile.

“Hey, kiddo!” Tony exclaimed, leaning over to rub his hand through Becca’s hair, messing it up wildly. “You get taller every time I see you!”

She squealed out a noise of protest. “I’m not five years old!” 

Becca never really got along with Tony. 

“Why is Tony here?” She asked in a whiney voice, grabbing onto Bucky’s hand.

He laughed. “Don’t worry, Becca. He’s only gonna be walking home with us.”

Tony tried his best not to be too offended by Becca’s opposition to him. 

“Actually,” Tony mumbled, “I was kinda hoping to talk to you and Stevie today.” He looked down at an upset Becca before adding, “Alone.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> salut! merci pour tout les commentaires. Ils me font très heureux :)  
> try and spot the quote that's actually from the comics.

After the group had dropped off Peggy at her nearby apartment complex and then Becca off at the Barnes’ apartment, they all headed to Steve’s place. Bucky and Steve ended up feeling like little kids who had done something wrong the whole time, like they were about to get lectured by Tony.

By the time they made it inside, Tony’s attitude had seriously shifted from his usual carefree composure to something of the opposite. Bucky knew that attitude, too; it was seen at the beginning of a few of their fights.

Steve, always a gentleman, asked if anyone wanted anything to eat or drink. Then Tony  _ had  _ to make some comment about him being the hostess with the mostess.

“So what’s your problem?” Steve finally asked, offering his company a spot on the slightly less worn out sofa. 

Tony let out a heavy sigh, clearly not excited about getting down to business. “Listen, as much as I love your little soap opera romance, I’m foreseeing some danger.”

Steve blushed a little at the word “romance”, but before he could indignantly  _ deny  _ that, Bucky spoke up.

“Danger? Is it because of what happened with Brock? ‘Cause he hasn’t even fucked with me since.”

“What thing with Brock?” Steve demanded instantly, sounding quite upset.

Bucky sighed, realizing that it was another thing that he had carefully chose not to tell him about, in hopes of not worrying him. Steve knew that Bucky could be rather secretive at times, even when they were kids.

“It was nothing, don’t worry.”

Tony just shook his head, looking disappointedly at them from across the coffee table. “Barnes, the key to any successful relationship is communication and trust.”

“Hey,” Bucky replied stubbornly, “I don’t remember hiring you as my relationship therapist.”

“You could never afford me.”

Steve let out an annoyed sound. “Just tell me what happened?”

Bucky  _ really  _ didn’t want to tell him about it. It was… embarrassing to him. There was nothing he hated more than feeling weak and out of control. Brock was good at making people feel weak and out of control, though. But he needed Steve to trust him.

“Well, the other week I was getting ready to leave school and Brock cornered me in the hall. He was pinning me back against the locker, asking me about you.”

Bucky realized how difficult it was to actually  _ talk  _ about things. All of these feelings he had kept tucked away for so long. For the past three years, he had no one that he trusted enough to talk honestly to. After losing Steve, he felt severely alone. 

Of course, he had always had his mother and sister close to him, but he didn’t know how to talk to them about those kinds of things. More importantly, he didn’t want to burden them with his troubles. His mother would worry endlessly about him if he really explained how he felt most of the time, and she already had enough to deal with.

It was different with Steve, though. It never felt like he was shovelling off his issues onto him when they spoke candidly to one another. It just felt…  _ relieving _ . 

“What?” Steve spluttered. “Why wouldn’t you tell me about this?”

He placed his head in his hands, feeling exhausted already from this conversation. “I didn’t want you to be worried about me.”

“Well, good job, Buck. Now I’m just worried about what else you might be keeping from me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Steve actually knew that he meant it. He just knew. That didn’t mean that he was going to automatically forgive him for it, though. Bucky knew that, too. He realized if he wanted to gain more of his trust, he would have to be as open as possible. Even if it meant worrying Steve.

“The worst part was that I couldn’t even get out of his grasp. I always thought that I was stronger than him, you know?” Bucky bit his bottom lip, closing his eyes. “I was actually scared of him.”

It took all of his energy to admit these things.

“What happened after that?”

“Peggy found me and pulled him off from me.”

Tony cut their moment short. “Rumlow hasn’t done anything like that since? Don’t you think that that’s kinda weird?”

Bucky  _ had  _ been thinking that. He just tried to push it out of his mind, hoping that it was just all in his head.

“What do you think that means?” Steve asked, coughing a bit after. It appeared that he was getting sick, which worried Bucky. 

“I don’t know. Maybe the dumbass is just so dense he forgot that he’s supposed to passionately hate you,” Bucky suggested. 

“Not an impossible idea,” Tony said with a shrug. “I think he’s been getting in some issues with his parents lately, actually. Stealing prescription drugs or something.”

“Really?” Steve questioned. “I thought that was just a sign they put up in the nurse’s office as a joke? People actually do that?”

Bucky laughed a little. Steve was adorable sometimes.

“Yeah, I don’t know if anyone’s told you this, Gramps, but some people don’t follow all the rules like you do,” Tony murmured.

Steve, feeling challenged, rolled his eyes. “ _ First _ of all, rules are there for a reason, and second of all, if I have a moral objection to a rule, I’m not afraid to break it.”

Bucky felt like the babysitter of two very petulant children. “Can you guys stop?”

“Do you always have to make everything sound like the Gettysburg Address, Stevie?”

“That’s enough,” Bucky groaned.

“That was an iconic speech of our country’s history and you shouldn’t be such a dick about it. At least I don’t sound like a walking technology book.”

“ _ Walking technology book _ ?” Tony scoffed with a laugh. “It’s a good thing that Bucky says you’re a promising artist, ‘cause I don’t see a career in tech for you, and definitely not one in Comeback Writing.”

Steve stopped looking angry for a moment, eyes widening. “Bucky talks to you about me?”

“Are you two  _ quite done _ ?” Bucky exclaimed, trying to get control again. Clearly, that was something unobtainable in a group of three riled up teenage boys.

Tony tried not to laugh. “God, I say your name and he turns into a lovestruck schoolgirl.”

“Well, then is that all you wanted to talk to us about?” Bucky chided. “‘Cause I don’t think this conversation really accomplished anything.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Please don’t piss me off while I’m trying to help you.”

Bucky rolled his eyes back. “Then what else are you thinking?”

“Pierce. You’ve been  _ far  _ too liberal around him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bucky countered.

“Okay, how about today when you two had a romantic lunch date? Or a few days ago when you kicked Marty Jones in the shins for making fun of Steve?”

Steve, sitting next to Bucky, furrowed his eyebrows, confusedly. He did  _ not  _ know about that.

“Or the time that you practically threw an algebra textbook at Greg Waters for using... very mean words to describe Steve? Or the other time that you used some pretty nasty verbal intimidation to convince Joe Powers not to pull that lame prank on Steve? Or--”  
“That’s enough,” Bucky finally snapped. “Was Alex really there for all of that.”

“Yup.”

Steve was just slightly dumfounded, not realizing how much Bucky really did stick his neck out for him. “Jeez, people really hate me at that school, don’t they?”

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Bucky muttered. 

“It doesn’t bother me. Really.”

While he really did feel awful about accidentally beginning the school’s disgusting tradition of perpetuating unjust hatred towards Steve, they were busy worrying about something else.

Bucky knew Alexander Pierce to be a silent threat. 

He wasn’t as obnoxiously awful as Brock. He didn’t pick fist fights with people, or openly bully others at the school. No, he was a much more reserved asshole. He would always agree with whatever dick comment that Brock was making, and he never tried to defy him, either. 

Alex worked behind the scenes, pulling all the strings. He was the one who came up with devious, new ways to fuck with people without getting caught. He was the master of deception. Sometimes he would even use his manipulative skills to gain the trust of certain people, all while finding out how to torment them to hurt the worst.

Unfortunately, Bucky usually forgot about this. When he wasn’t being an outright tool, it would become more difficult to remember the terrible things that he had conducted in the past. While Bucky was scared of what Brock might do to him, he was actually more scared of Alex. 

“What’s Alex’s deal, anyways?” Steve asked, reminding Bucky that he wasn’t as knowledgeable of the dangerous duo as he was.

“Well,” Bucky began, not exactly sure how to explain it. “You know how Brock’s power is… chaotic? Well, Alex’s power is more… controlled. Like you remember in Schindler’s List, that movie they showed in history class?”

Steve nodded, eyebrows furrowed.

“Remember that scene where that Ducard guy from the Batman movie and Nazi Voldemort were talking about power and--”

“Do you mean Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes?” Tony asked incredulously while Steve just nodded his head. “Is this really how you two communicate?”

“And Nazi Voldemort,” Bucky continues, ignoring the way Tony mutters “Ralph Fiennes” through gritted teeth, “tells the Batman guy that true power is all about control.”

Steve nodded, understanding perfectly.

“You guys have seriously known each for too long,” Tony muttered.

“Has Alex said anything about this to you?” Steve asked.

“Not really. Which worries me even more, you know?” 

Bucky really wished he wasn’t having this conversation. Why did everything have to be so dramatic and arduous? Like what is this? A Lifetime movie?

“Are you two, like, together, then… or what?” Tony asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over the group.

“We are not together,” Steve quickly stated.

Bucky felt only slightly offended by how fast Steve was to insist that they weren’t a couple.

“Oh, right,” Tony replied. “You’re being all  _ blase  _ about it. Don’t wanna seem like you’re forgiving Bucky for being a dumbass too quickly.”

Steve was annoyed by this, too. Tony had an astonishing knack for really pissing him off.

“If I wanted to be with Bucky, I would be.”

Now  _ that  _ was not what Bucky was expecting to hear. It was also extremely disheartening.

Tony, however, just scoffed. “Yeah, I’m sure that you’re completely over him. I’m sure that you have no feelings for him, even after I saw the way you were looking at him as you wore his jacket at lunch. No feelings whatsoever.”

Steve blushed, half embarrassed and half angry. 

“That’s enough, Tony,” Bucky said sternly, noticing how upset Steve was beginning to look.

Tony just shook his head. “Just make out already, please. I can’t deal with your painful non-stop pining. I mean, if you’re gonna be bitter about it, Steve, you might as be bitter while you’re cradling your lifelong crush.”

Steve slammed his feet against the floor as he stood up angrily. “You know what, Stark?”

“Calm down,” Bucky exclaimed, holding Steve back as Tony stood up, too, facing him closely.

“I don’t know why you have such a problem with me, Rogers. I’ve done nothing but help you here.”

“All you’ve done is tell us what we already know.”

As mad as Steve was, he realized that he was perhaps a little unfairly biased about Tony. He couldn’t exactly help it, though; a lot of his memories of Tony were of him seeing Rumlow and Pierce hanging out with him, considering them their pal. It just made him uneasy.

Also, Tony’s comments about him and Bucky made him uncomfortable, too. While he was somewhat sure that he wasn’t actually homophobic, Steve had been mocked about his sexuality so much that everything felt vaguely like a threat. He tried to take Bucky’s advice and calm down.

If he was being honest about the situation, Steve really did want to forgive Bucky. And, to his happy surprise, Bucky was giving him a lot of reasons as to why he should forgive him.

But it just didn’t feel like the right time. He felt like that eighth grade boy who was helplessly in love with his best friend all over again.

“Just watch out for Pierce, okay?” Tony said finally, shifting his gaze to Bucky. 

Bucky just nodded slowly, forgetting to filter his thoughts. “Well, I was planning on coming out to him soon, and explaining how big of a fucking asshole he is and has been this.”

“What?” Steve asked incredulously. 

It was something that Steve had imagined countless times, thinking about how it would fix so much, about how much he would love and trust Bucky after. He never thought Bucky would  _ actually  _ do it. His heart began thudding faster, mixed with fear and anticipation.

As much as he desperately wanted Bucky to come out, he would never want him to feel forced to. Especially considering the highly homophobic group of students that had cultivated at their school, thanks to Bucky’s fuck up in eighth grade.

Tony seemed only somewhat surprised. “You are the poster child for poor decision making, Barnes.”

Bucky just let out a deep sigh. “Uh, yeah. I just don’t know when the best time to do it is.” He looked to Steve. “I don’t want you to be there for it.”

Steve scoffed. “Why not? What if he tries to get physical with you? I could help protect you.”

“Steve, I know that you’re stronger than you seem,” Bucky sighed, “but I don’t think that that’s a good idea. I’ve gotten you in enough trouble.”

Bucky was completely exhausted. Before Steve could reply, he looked to Tony. “Can we maybe talk about this all later? I just need to take a nap or something.”

“Uh, yeah,” he mumbled, shifting his eyes back and forth between Bucky and Steve. “I’ll try and brainstorm some good ideas. Don’t worry about it.”

He headed towards the door, looking a little phased by the conversation, just like the other two. Steve followed him and grabbed onto his arm before he could leave. Practically whispering, he asked, “Please help me keep Bucky safe. I don’t want him to get hurt for me.”

Tony just scoffed and replied in a sarcastic voice. “Yeah, ‘cause all of this is  _ your  _ fault not his. You’re too nice for your own good, Steve.”

\--------------------

After Tony’s abrupt exit, Steve sauntered over to the sofa again, where Bucky was now lying down tiredly, his eyes shut. He looked down at him a warm grin on his eyes.

Steve thought that maybe he was getting sick, too. He moved to the kitchen, preparing some green tea for the both of them. He figured that Bucky was still just as opposed to tea as he was back in middle school, but he would do it for him anyways. He put the mugs of tea on a tray, including some shortbread cookies that he had baked the other day, and brought them over to the coffee table by the sofa.

“Hey, get up,” Steve said as he pushed Bucky to the side, sitting down by him. “I made tea and some cookies.”

Bucky smiled before opening his eyes, taking in the sight of Steve blowing on his steaming mug of tea. He felt so lucky to even be in the apartment, these days.

“I’m sorry about Tony,” Bucky mumbled as he sat up, grabbing onto one of the cookies and taking a big bite. “He’s kinda a drama queen.”

“No,” Steve interjected sternly. “I’m glad he’s… on our side. Bucky, I know you’re trying to make up for what you did, but I don’t want you to come out.”

“I don’t wanna be scared of him anymore, Stevie,” Bucky replied, voice small.

“But he’s crazy, Buck. Do you really wanna spend your senior year getting agonized by all the assholes at our school. I mean, I guess you’re more popular than I ever was. Maybe you’ll start a trend and gay will be the New Hip Thing,” Steve laughed. 

“As much as I wanna make up for fucking things up,” Bucky began, “I wanna do it for me. I’ve been acting like a baby for the past three years. It’s time to start doing the right thing.”

Steve smiled, seeing the Bucky he knew from his childhood shine through. It made everything worth it. Out of nowhere, his mouth began moving. “You should come to that gallery opening tonight, the one I told you about a few weeks ago.”

Bucky looked immediately interested. “That’s tonight?”

Steve just nodded slowly.

“Of course I’ll come,” Bucky exclaimed excitedly.

The prospect of a date with Steve made his emotional state take a complete 180.

“It’s not a date,” Steve reminded suddenly, as if he was reading his mind.

Bucky didn’t care what Steve called it; it was a night out with his best friend, and that’s all that mattered. It also meant that Steve was becoming to forgive him more.  _ Right? _

“What should I wear?” Bucky asked anxiously, looking down to his plain black shirt that was now covered in crumbs from the cookies.

Steve chuckled a little. “I’m just wearing a dress shirt and some nice pants. Nothing too over the top. It’s not at the Met or anything.”

“It oughta be,” Bucky replied quietly. Then, in a lighter, more jokingly tone, “I guess I won’t bust out the ballgown tonight. Maybe for our next date.”

“Not a date,” Steve clarified once more, hiding his grin.

\----------------

Bucky’s mouth hung open in what could only be described as awe.

“These are absolutely beautiful, Steve!”

He was staring at a wall covered with select drawings and paintings, all signed with Steve’s signature at the bottom. Bucky wasn’t just saying that to be nice, either; they  _ were  _ amazingly-well done. 

Steve just scoffed humbly, trying not to blush at the compliment. “Stop.”

“Dude, you’re, like, the star of the exhibit. Everyone wants to see your stuff.”

“You’re just saying that.”

Bucky laughed, still staring at the different pictures. Some were of places around Brooklyn, some were of people (including a very beautiful charcoal portrait of Peggy), and some were a bit more abstract. It was clear that Steve was great at drawing anything.

“No I’m not,” Bucky reassured, “these are just  _ flawless _ .”

“There’s no way that you’re flawless, Buck. At least give me some kind of constructive criticism, or else I’ll think that you’re lying.”

Bucky just sighed, looking down to the ground. “I guess you’ll never believe me then.”

Steve shrugged. “Actually, there’s a lot of reasons that I would think that you were lying.”

“Ugh, not fair,” Bucky chided, playfully pushing into Steve’s shoulder. “That’s funny coming from you. Too, considering you were the one who always lied to try and make people feel better.”

Steve couldn’t help but laugh, definitely agreeing with that statement. “Remember that one time when your mom spilled ketchup on her shirt when we were at some parade? I kept trying to reassure her that it looked fine, that no one would notice, and--”

“And then I came along and couldn’t stop laughing at her ridiculous she looked,” Bucky interrupted, finishing the story with a chuckle. “God, I was such a prick.”

“ _ Was _ ?” Steve questioned, grinning widely.

It was what Bucky would probably describe as a perfect night. A date with Steve Rogers. Even if Steve Rogers refused to call it a date. _This is definitely a date,_ Bucky thought _._ _Definitely_.

Steve had helped him get to the place; it was somewhere Bucky had never heard of before. Not that he skulked around art galleries often anyways. The subway was so full that the two boys had to stand fairly close to each other, and when the car jerked a certain way, Steve was kind of thrown into Bucky’s arms. Bucky made sure that he was okay, and Steve just blushed as he pushed himself away embarrassedly. 

He realized the main reason why he had never heard of the place before, though, once they got there. It was an exhibit made to shine a spotlight on the  _ LGBTQ+ Young Artists of Brooklyn. _

He was a little anxious about being seen at that place by someone he knew. Then he just felt guilty for feeling that way. Then he felt anxious that he was somehow simultaneously gay and homophobic? Then he worked to convince himself that he wasn’t homophobic, just ashamed of himself. Then he remembered that he wasn’t there to try and understand his fucked up self-esteem. He was there for Steve.

Bucky worked really hard to make sure that his internal monologue of issues didn’t ruin his night out with Steve.

Everyone seemed to know him there, too. Countless people had come by the paintings, congratulating Steve and gushing over his art. Others who didn’t seem to know him came over, too, all amazed at the collection.

They had gone around together, checking out the rest of the exhibit, and Steve was friendly with all the other artists, clearly knowing many of them. Perhaps he wasn’t as lonely as he seemed. Bucky figured most of these kids just went to other schools in Brooklyn, like maybe that private art school.

He didn’t want to ask, mainly because he didn’t want to bring up the subject of how few friends Steve did have at their school.

There was even this boy they talked to who was clearly interested in Steve. Bucky was astonished how, even aftering seeing the two of them together, he still flirted with Steve. It made him quite irrationally angry, especially considering that they weren’t even on a date together. 

“No, no,” Steve had clarified, after the boy asked if Bucky was his date. “This is just my childhood friend, Bucky. He just wanted to see the exhibit.”

Truthfully, however, Bucky only cared about one section of the exhibit. He was interested in art, but it was hard to care about everyone else’s when Steve’s breathtaking work was  _ right there _ . So what. Maybe he was a  _ little  _ biased.

“Childhood friend?” The boy asked, looking reassured now that he knew Steve wasn’t there with a date. “I guess Bucky’s pretty  _ lucky _ .”

Bucky tried to hide his impending cringe at the incredibly cheesy line.

Steve, always a polite guy, just forced a laugh and nodded. Bucky was convinced that the feelings between them weren’t reciprocated, but he couldn’t tell if that was just him being hopeful.

Luckily, after they had worked away and out of earshot, Steve mumbled into Bucky’s ear, “I wish he could get the hint that I’m not interested.”

“Well, you’re just such a catch, Stevie. Of course he’s got a crush on you; he’d be crazy not to.”

Steve blushed, wishing he had more control over his skin. Bucky always got a kick out of his frequent blushing, though. “Why do you keep calling me ‘Stevie’? I thought that was more of an elementary school thing.”

Bucky just grinned, not really wanting to explain why. It was just a cute nickname to him. It made him feel closer to his lost friend. It made him feel like things were getting better. And when Steve would call him ‘Buck’... it felt like heaven to him.

“Are you having a good time?” Steve asked after realizing that Bucky wasn’t going to answer his first question.

“Of course I am.”

“No, seriously,” Steve replied quickly. “You don’t have to give some bullshit answer just ‘cause this is about my art. I really wanna know if you’re having fun.” 

“Steve, _ of course I am _ ,” Bucky repeated defiantly. “A night out with you, seeing your awesome art, meeting all of your friends. It’s totally great. Are… are  _ you  _ having a good time?”

Cue the blushing again. Whether he liked it or not, Steve  _ was  _ having a good time. An amazing time. He was living out some dream that he had subconsciously been cultivating throughout the past three years.

During that time, after what happened, he really was mad at Bucky. Despite that anger, he was still in love with him. It was a weird kind of love, a defiant part of him that stubbornly refused to accept that Bucky wasn’t the guy that Steve had truly known him to be. And of course, Steve was stubborn enough that that part of him existed for a long time. 

That part of Steve was thriving tonight. It was his guilty dream that one day Bucky would come back to him, atone for his mistakes, and everything would be better and go back to the way it was. While it may have been a slightly childish thing for him to hope for, and it might have come from a place of desperation, but it was his dream nevertheless. He cared about it.

“I’m having a good time,” Steve replied plainly, trying not to let on how good of a time he actually was having. ‘Cause it was definitely better than just ‘good’.

Bucky just smiled at him. As Steve looked away from the art on the walls, turning to look at Bucky for a moment, their gazes made contact. He tried to hide his newly-formed, bashful smile, but Steve had always been so bad at hiding his emotions. 

“I…” Bucky began, emboldened by their moment just then, but still trying to figure out what to say. “I think we should get something to eat.”

Steve nodded. “There’s a really good Thai place about a block away from here. Unbelievably good chicken fried rice.”

“You’re telling me a chicken fries their rice?” Bucky asked with mock disbelief.

He just shook his head, full of secondhand embarrassment for his friend. “ _ Really _ ? I’m sorry, but that was a terrible joke, buddy. Did you find that on Facebook?”

“No,” Bucky muttered bitterly. He hung his head, pretending to look quite wounded. “Mom did.”

Now that one actually made Steve laugh. “C’mon, loser. Let’s get going.”

Steve ordered a plate of the chicken fried rice, and Bucky decided to just get some potstickers and a whole bunch of spring rolls. Which of course just made Steve roll his eyes, even if he secretly found it endearing.

They had good conversation, about the exhibit, school, Brock, old memories… they talked about everything. With unbelievable ease. Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he had been able to talk to someone so effortlessly, so comfortably. 

He had been putting on a facade for so long, even around his own family, he was forgetting who he really was. Steve helped him remember so easily.

“Listen,” Bucky mumbled, after his fifth spring roll, “I really appreciate that you let me come tonight. I had a great time, and I know that you still have every reason to not invite me anywhere. But you did… and, uh, just… thank you.”

“Wow,” Steve replied in astonishment. “Could it really be? The smooth talker James Buchanan Barnes is stumbling over his words?”

Bucky shook his head, a grin on his face. “It’s not my fault; you just have that effect on me.”

“Ah, there it is. The flirt is back again.”

They had another one of those moments where they just stared at each other with adoration in their eyes, slight grins on their faces, as the world around them felt suddenly so much quieter and less real. 

Their waiter interrupted the moment, however, coming to take away their plates.

“Check, please,” Bucky asked, looking to Steve. “I think it’s time for some ice cream.”

Steve laughed, shaking his head. “You always think that it’s time for ice cream, Buck.”

“‘Cause it always is.”

They left the restaurant, Steve carrying a styrofoam box of leftovers for his mom, giggling together about yet another cheesy joke that Bucky had made.

“You’re full of shit,” Steve scoffed, trying to control his laughter. He felt like a little kid again, thinking back to when he and Bucky would get into trouble at school for talking too much. Bucky had  _ always  _ known how to make Steve laugh.

They looked to each other, standing on the edge of the sidewalk, just outside the restaurant. Bucky thought about how beautiful Steve looked in just the glow of the neon signs in the storefront. Steve was thinking the same thing about Bucky.

That was when he did it. That was when Bucky lost control of himself and leaned down to kiss Steve. He kissed back slowly.

And that was when Steve pushed him off. It killed Steve to do that, but he knew that he had to.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” he murmured.

Bucky looked back at him, a devastated sadness on his face.

“But I don’t put out until the third date.”

They both laughed, Bucky’s fear draining out of him. It was clear that Steve wasn’t  _ completely  _ opposed to the idea of kissing him, but he wasn’t exactly wild about it yet, either. Yet.

“Third date?” Bucky asked incredulously. “Let the record show that Steve Rogers has admitted this to be a true and honest  _ date _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, that fight between tony and steve... THAT was the real civil war.  
> like I don't know why marvel hasn't hired me yet


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys sorry for this taking Forever. I've had a lot of family things going on, and I just went back to school (kill me pls). but I promise I'm going to finish this in a timely manner. I hope you enjoy!!

Things between them were only slightly awkward.

Steve was adamant about wanting to spend more time with Bucky, however. He didn’t want them to lose the progress that they had so carefully made in the past few months. There were long walks on Sundays around Brooklyn. There were trips to Coney Island, always accompanied by Becca and Peggy. There was even trips to local vintage shops.

It was getting too cold to spend time outside, however. Halloween was just around the corner. Bruce Banner, quietly noticing how close they were beginning to appear, had invited them both to his annual Halloween party, too.

That particular party was known as being  _ much  _ more lively than his usual hangouts, which Bucky and Steve still regularly attended. There was more people, loud music, and alcohol. While his family  _ did  _ have quite the spacious apartment, every year seemed to be more of a test to see how many people could actually fit in there.

It wasn’t just Bruce’s nerdy friends who attended that party, either.

“I think you should go as Superman,” Bucky had told Steve when the topic of possible Halloween costumes had come up. 

They were sitting next to each other in Steve’s apartment while Sarah Rogers and Winifred Barnes chatted excitedly in Sarah’s room, sitting on the bed with innumerable scrapbooks sat open. Back in middle school, after the boys had stopped talking, they did, too, besides for the random intermittent neighborly gestures like a cherry pie every month or so. They were also making up for lost time.

It was their fall break, wherein they got the Thursday and Friday before the Halloween weekend off from school. 

Steve had just laughed, eyes looking down at Bucky’s body. “Yeah right. I think you’re more of a Superman than me.”

“How about Batman and Robin?” 

“No way you’re getting me into bright green booty shorts,” Steve replied sternly.

Bucky just let out a heavy laugh. “No, you idiot! I meant that I would be the one in the bright green booty shorts. I wanna show off my bangin’ physique. Besides, I think you embody Batman much more than I do.”

Steve carefully chose to ignore Bucky’s comment on his  _ “bangin’ physique” _ . “I don’t think we should go with the superhero theme, Buck. I would just embarrass myself.”

“Why? You’re a superhero to me,” Bucky whispered with a lazy grin. 

Without them really noticing, they had slowly moved closer and closer to one another. Now their faces were just about six inches apart. It was another one of  _ those moments  _ where time seemed to slow down, everything calm and gentle.

The sudden opening of the apartment door was the only thing to break through their concentration on one another. Becca walked in, her usual grinning self.

“Hey, Buck,” she began, nudging herself between the two of them casually. “A friend of yours is outside in the hall.”

His smile quickly disappeared. “What?”

“Yeah, he said his name was Alex, I think.”

_ Alex fucking Pierce was standing out in the hall? _

“Becca, what did we tell you about answering the door when you were alone at the apartment?” Bucky asked panickedly.

“I’m sorry,” she said, sounding sincere about it. “But he just kept knocking, and I recognized him through the peephole.”

“What did you tell him, Becs?” Steve asked, urgency in his voice.

She appeared confused. “Why’re you guys acting so serious about this? He asked for you, Bucky, so I told him that you were next door at Steve’s apartment.”

_ You’ve got to be kidding me. _

“Did you say anything else?” Bucky asked through gritted teeth.

“Well, he asked if you guys were friends. I just told him that you definitely were! That you were getting really really close again, like you used to be.”

“Becs,” Steve sighed heavily. He was trying his hardest not to be mad at the kid; she didn’t know any better. 

“He asked how often you guys hung out, too,” Becca admitted slowly, realizing that the boys were upset at her. She was beginning to show the same worry and remorse that they did. “I’m sorry,”

“What did you tell him, Becca?” Bucky asked, focused.

“That you guys hung out a lot… W-was I not supposed to tell him that?”

Steve did his best to hide his anger and fear. “No, Becs, it’s fine. It’s not your fault. Did you say anything else to him?”

“Well, he kept asking about you guys, so I told him about that one time… when we were watching movies with Peggy and I saw you two kiss in the kitchen.”

Bucky couldn’t help but let out a frustrated groan, holding his face in his hands. That’s when Becca realized she really messed up.

“I’m sorry!”

Steve just held her shoulder lightly, trying to comfort her. “It’s alright. It’s just… next time, please don’t tell anyone about…  _ those kinds of things. _ ”

Bucky did his best to reassure Becca, too. “It’s not your fault,” he muttered, knowing that it was definitely  _ his  _ fault. 

That was one of the few times that they had kissed since the incident after the gallery opening. It was just a small peck, Bucky testing the waters carefully. Just something he felt compelled to do just then. A spur of the moment kind of thing.

“Wait a minute, Beccs,” Steve asked suddenly. “Did you say that Alex was still outside, in the hall?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled, looking upset still. “I had seen Bucky with him a few times before, but I didn’t wanna invite him into your apartment. He really wanted to talk to you, though, Buck.”

Bucky stood up quickly, headed straight for the door.

He wished he didn’t have to go out there and talk to Alex. He had to, though; he was done with not facing his issues head on.

He opened the door, shutting it quickly so that Steve wouldn’t follow, the way you would when trying to make sure your cat didn’t escape the house.

As promised, Alex was standing in the hallway, a little grin on his face. “Hey, Bucky.”

Bucky chose not to answer.

Alex look down at the expensive-looking watch on his wrist. “I’ve been waiting here for a while, you know? Everything alright in there?”

He balled his fists at his sides, but he did his best to keep his voice casual. “What are you doing here?” 

“Just thought that you and I could hang out today,” Alex shrugged. “After all, we  _ are  _ friends, right? Well, maybe not as close of friends as you and Steve, evidently.”

“I can’t believe you took advantage of a little kid like that, Pierce.”

Alex laughed. “What’re you talking about, Barnes?”

“You manipulated someone who didn’t know any better to get dirt on me.”

“We were just getting acquainted. She’s a really nice kid, so friendly. So… talkative.”

Bucky was getting ready to tell him to fuck off when the apartment door opened, and Steve stepped out, closing the door behind him as quickly as Bucky had done.

“Oh, hey, Stevie,” Alex greeted, a smug smirk on his face. “You know, you don’t look so good.”

Steve didn’t look confident and stoic as he usually did in the face of his enemies. The color had drained from his face, and his worry and fear was obviously evident.

“Alex,” he began carefully, like he was tiptoeing through broken glass. “Just let this go, okay?” He added a defeated sounding, “ _ Please _ .”

“Are you…  _ begging _ , Rogers? That’s so out of character. I’m shocked, really.”

“Steve, you should go back inside,” Bucky pleaded, still staring defiantly at Alex.

Alex just moved closer to Steve, causing Bucky to place himself right in front of him, trying to protect him. That only embarrassed Steve, however.

“You guys really are cute, I admit,” Alex said, his grin still plastered on his face. “I promise I’m not as homophobic as Brock. He’s got some serious problems, you know. Do you think it’s, like, one of those _ American Beauty _ situations where he’s obscenely homophobic just to hide that he’s really gay?”

Clearly, Alex was fucking with them. It was true, Alex wasn’t really that homophobic. He didn’t care what your sexuality was, he was still just a dick. It was as simple as that. He just loved being in control of others, putting them in a place of vulnerability.  _ That’s  _ what Alex lived for.

And that’s the place that Steve and Bucky were currently in.

“Aren’t you tired of fucking with me by now?” Steve questioned, anger steadily growing. 

“How am I supposed to get through the day without knowing that I have that one simple and guilty pleasure of fucking with you, though?”

Bucky clenched his fists even tighter. “You should leave, Pierce.”

“Aww, c’mon! We’re having fun, aren’t we? Besides, you’re the one who convinced everyone at school to collectively hate Steve. Then again, we all did things in eighth grade that we regret.” 

“Just leave,” Steve countered, doing his best not to clock Alex in the face right there. 

Alex kept quiet, just watching them closely. 

“Please,” Bucky finally muttered,  _ hating  _ that he had to beg that asshole for his mercy. “We’ve been friends for years, Alex. Please just do this one thing for me.”

Alex just scoffed. “We’ve never been friends, Bucky. You know that. I always knew that you held nothing but contempt for me and Brock. I just figured that you were trying to be popular or something, but I realize now what you’ve been doing. Keeping your boy safe, out of Brock’s reach. I must admit, though, you’ve done quite a shitty job of that.”

Bucky stepped forward aggressively, only held back by Steve’s surprisingly strong grip. 

Alex continued. “I noticed how much you’ve been pissing Brock off lately, though. I even saw you two at lunch that one day, all cozied up by one another with your little jacket on Steve. Adorable, by the way. I just thought it would be good to come to the source. You do know how much I love gossip. I’m a gemini, what can I say?”

“Cut the shit, Pierce. Are you going to tell Brock about this?” Bucky asked.

“Listen, I really do have to be getting going. But thank you so much, I’ve had an amazing afternoon. I’ve learned so much. Tell Rebecca I said thanks, too. She’s been a real help.”

He began to walk away, and Steve had to grab Bucky’s arm again to stop him from following and beating the shit out of him.

Bucky knew exactly what Alex was going to do. He was going to keep the information that he had acquired that day and carefully develop a plan. The best way to destroy Bucky and Steve, using Brock as his personal battering ram.

And there was nothing that they could do but wait for everything to fall apart. Isn’t that what being a teenager was all about?

 


End file.
